Hi :) I'm a crazy girl, nice to meet you now I'll ruin your life-L

No one ever sets out to date a crazy girl, in the same way that no one ever sets out to become a member of a cult. No one’s like, “HEY MAYBE I’LL JOIN AN INSANE CULT TODAY!"
No, you just gradually get sucked in — step by step, day by day, hour by hour — until eventually, you’re just as crazy as she is.
The difference is that in my opinion, most women are not crazy at all – it’s just that most guys simply don’t understand female behavior in general and therefore classify them as ‘crazy’ but I AM a crazy girl.
I laugh at those obsessed girlfriend meme because I agree with all of them - for example I stole your shirt and wear it and cry and I'm not washing it because it smells like you crazy. I can literally becoming obsessed with anything from star wars, learning sign language, Lord of things rings to that pussy Peeta from the Hunger Games. My biggest obsession is with people I date, I mean I'm pretty sure ive been dumped 7 times out of 8 and the only time I wasn't the dumpee on the last one is because SHE out crazied me.
I thought I would just write some crazy things I've done and I asked all my friends and they all agreed in unison that following a guy home was the most crazy thing i have ever done.
In my defense he did just get punched in the face by another crazy girl and was upset so I was trying to be cute in a 5km fast passed walking kind of way.
Or how about this old chestnut I literally screen shot photos of my exs new girlfriends and ask EVERYONE, my mum, my dad, my nana, my teachers my friends, my dog... if In fact i am hotter than her?
Oh how about this one time I told my partner to come to my college at uni late at night, but I had a friend in my room and didnt know how to politely ask them to leave, now these are small rooms so I didn't have any other choice but to take my partner into my bathroom and lock the door. Yep, locked it and cornered him. Cute, Ya know?When I think of it I think my partner liked that a bit either way that's just crazy.

It's not just girls though, I was out the other night and was talking to this friend of mine and I was 100% sure we were going to make out he actually looked like one of my exes and I always had a crush on him and when he said he always fancied me oh boy ! You couldn't wipe the smile of my face! I was like I'm going to have a new boyfriend !!! Yep- just from that conversation I got were going to date. Crazy. Anyway, we got talking and he started talking about his ex and I was like oh that's cool... But no... no... Then he showed me the cuts on his wrists and said "I really loved her".
I mean I'm crazy and I pull out that crazy shit all the time and when I get dumped I do just want to crawl in a hole and die, BUT WHY DID HE TELL MEEEEE THAT! I was his future girlfriend it's safe to say I told him to stop that and went on my merry crazy way.

I'm this crazy that someone compared me to that Neil Patrick Harris ratio to the hotter you are the crazier you are and they said I was super crazy, but all I heard was that I was super hot. Boy, did I take that a mile.


It's tragic I think the word is out about me being cray and I have a lot of crazy girl friends we kind of hang out in one crazy ball of psycho always trying to out do each other craziness kind of egging each other on, its unhealthy... But WERE CRAZY...and now the only people who tune me are 16-17 year olds. I will date one of them soon. So keep an ear out, I'll ruin their lives with a smile on my face. Crazy.

The perks of being immature as fuck -R

You know you're irresponsible when your parents organise for somebody else to feed the pets while they're on holiday, even after you told them you'd be home all week :(

I'm not thoroughly dependable. Since I was five years old and started school, regardless of whether I was scoring A+'s or failing classes, one factor remained constant; the teacher's comments about my distinct lack of organisation. For the entirety of my final year of high school I think I made it to homeroom like seven times.

Last year, some friends and I took a trip to a music festival in Tasmania over new years. There was a big group of us so I sat back and let everybody else do all of the organising, and ended up with two duties. Here's what I was supposed to do: a) book my flight to Tasmania, and b) book a bus ticket to the festival.
This is what I did instead: a) booked my flight on the wrong day, and b) did not book a bus ticket and then realised they were sold out.
A couple of the others decided to book their flights early too so that worked out nice and dandy. The bus was more of an issue given that the festival was around 2 hours from where we were staying (believe me, I considered walking.) But in the end I finally got in contact with my mother's gay-brother's ex-partner's cousin's nephew, who hooked me up with a ride, and although they spent a large portion of the drive talking about drugs while I sat there like a scared innocent little nymph, they were actually really cool people!

I'm not advocating getting into cars with strangers, all I'm saying is, without a little immaturity, you mightn't be exposed to new situations.

EG. the time that I challenged my friend's dad and two brothers to an eating competition at Pizza Hut. Admittedly, if I'd eaten my food like a lady I wouldn't have walked away with the worst stomach ache of my life, but nor would I have left with the satisfaction of beating three grown men to claim the (possibly self-proclaimed) title of "Food Queen."

Furthermore, if you're prone to being immature, you get a lot more respect for the times when you do act good. For years when my parents had guests over I would immediately disappear into my bedroom, sneaking slyly past the guests to get food at meal times with averted eyes, avoiding any form of communication with the strangers that had entered my territory.
Nowadays not much has changed! But I can spend five minutes chatting pleasantly with the visitors as I fill a plate with all of the food on display, then wipe my hands clean of responsibility and disappear for the rest of the night and parents are proud as punch!

But overall, I am the way I am because, at least for me, it's WAY MORE FUN. At one point I was renowned for being the too-drunk-girl, and while I apologise to anybody whose night has ever been ruined by me (and believe me, if I ruined your night there's a fair chance I ruined my own), without these experiences I wouldn't have stories to tell!
Like the time I woke up in my friends Uni apartment with a seriously injured toe, with vague memories of aquiring it while trying to break into her uni kitchen to make a toastie. Then when, later in the day, I went to get something out of my purse and literally found an entire meat pie sitting in there, with no recollection as to how that came to be.
Or after my birthday weekend, when I woke up to my friends making jokes about bicycles, thought they were all completely crazy until they showed me a video of myself running up Swanston St screaming "I'M A BICYCLE!! I'M A BICYCLE!!" and demanding to be allowed to run in the bicycle lane.

Even while I pity this woman somewhat, I also hold a large
 degree of respect for her for being such a badass.

For me, the stories are what make me who I am. I find nothing more hilariously entertaining and likeable in a person than the crazy stories that they have to share with me.



I've experienced a lot in my life. I have a lot of opinions, and I'm constantly thinking about the "hows" and particularly the "whys" of life and questioning my own ideals. If you want an in-depth conversation about morals and values then I'm your girl. I'm not dumb. I'm not unintelligent. I'm not intellectually less than any other person. I'm not even completely sure that I consider myself entirely immature. But if that's what I am then hell, I'll own it. That's the way I live my life, and the sole reason that you're able to read this blog! Love it or hate it, the point is that I'm having fun, and I hope that however you're living, you're having it too! xoxo -R

When relatives get irrational -L

When my dad gets irrational.

It was a summers eve, after a glorious day of swimming in the aids infested lake of Benalla with friends, sunburn sinking in my red, raw skin.
My sister, my father and me sat down for a amazing meal of steak, chips and... salad.
I ate all my steak, chips and salad and after my delicious meal I go for more salad from the full salad bowl in the centre of the table. Smashing down the salad I end up finishing the whole entire bowl.
Everyone had left the table, when my dad comes back in, in an extreme rage looking at the empty salad bowl, his eyes glistening with horror. "you've eaten ALL THE SALAD?" he yelled. "I was hungry" I said, gleaming with fear.
"WHAT'S YOU'RE MOTHER GOING TO EAT?" he rawed. "I'll make some more" I sniffed filled up with fear from my dads rage. "ALL THE SALAD? NO!" he retaliated "You will sit here and practice this line... IM SORRY IM A PIG AND I'VE EATEN ALL THE SALAD!" I practiced this line a few times giggling when my sister walked in, but he was serious, dead serious. It must of been hard times in my house hold and lettuce an cheese must of been hard to come by as I was to practice "I'm sorry I'm a pig and I've eaten all the salad" until my mum was to arrive home, filled up with tears not only was my sunburn raw but my eyes were also for the new realization of in fact that had eaten all the salad and that I was a pig. FINALLY after repeating the line maybe 65 times, my mum walked in and my dad yelled "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO YOUR MOTHER!!!" hysterically crying, I coughed out "I'm... Sorry ...I'm a... A pig and... And... I've eaten all the salad!!!" hugging her tightly in extreme apologetics, she looked at me strangely of this most bizarre sentence and simply pushed me away and said "im not hungry i got maccas on the way home" my sister BURST out laughing. I still today will never go for seconds of the salad.

It was another glorious evening, my mother was at work... My dad my sister and I sit at the table, again.
I set the table over the white table cloth and we sit down again for another horrific meal of steak chips and salad... THIS TIME there was a purple cranberry juice stain on the pure white table cloth. "what is this?" my dad pointed at the purple stain, asking my sister and I. Me and my sister both in aggreance of not knowing where the purple stain came from. He asked again "WHERE DID THIS STAIN COME FROM?" we both looked confused. "we dont KNOW!" said my sister. "what so a stain MAGICALLY APPEARED OUT OF THIN AIR DID IT?" we remained still in confusion.... "IT JUST DROPPED FROM THE SKY ALL BY ITSELF, DID IT???"
Me being the smartass I am cocked up and said "maybe klancee did it?" klancee is our dog. This filled my dad with even MORE rage if that was possible! "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he yelled as he ran into the kitchen bringing back the purple cranberry juice "KLANCEE DID THIS DID SHE?" he yelled he popped of the lid to the cranberry juice THROWING it around the room, hitting everything insight drenching my sister and I in this purple liquid of hell. The table cloth not only now had a purple stain, but so did we, the curtains, the food on the table AND the table cloth was now no longer even white. My sister and I just sat there I could tell we were both about to cry but we held it in until he left, when he did we cried from possibly being like what the actual fuck just happened? We sat there for a few minutes maybe twenty, soaked in cranberry juice. Dad walked back in, we stared blankly at him as he said, "I may have spilt the cranberry juice".

THAT'S ASSAULT BROTHER - L

Warning; this is not a funny post.

Australia has an extremely high rate of violence against women, I have been actually hit a few times by males... It used to not bother me as much being a feminist activist and all, but there is seriously something wrong with society on the grounds of violence. Most woman, are physically weaker than men and no way should they EVER be touched in such a manner to cause harm or for someone to deliberately try to cause harm to them especially by a male... It's not okay it's an ancient patriarchal trait that should be abolished from this lifetime. 
One day, I was at this party by the river, I was young and my memory is a bit shady but I remember my friend arguing with a boy and he was telling her he would "throw her in the fire".
 I don't know what came over me when I heard this, but I just attacked him like some crazy psycho that I am. I hit him in the face. He grabbed me by the throat and I just remember being dragged along the ground/fire, I wasn't crying and I wasn't screaming but I just specifically remember people egging this behavior on, he had this stupid smile like he was actually doing it to look tough and enjoying it, my friends soon realized what the hell was happening- all female mind you and jumped to my rescue. 
I just cried and cried to my mum at home hugging her, I was a tough kid but it was more the embarassement we just hugged for ages when I told her what had happened and was so upset, she wasn't that angry as I was  trying to protect a friend, I think she cried with me for a bit when I pulled all the hair that had been pulled out of my head  from my pockets to show her I had bruised for weeks under my eyes and scratch marks all over my back ... and guess what I did a year later, I DATED THAT GUY... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? LIKE WE FULL ON DATED. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  (Ugh, lets not even... just... shut up).

I  used to have a family friend that used to hit me when I did things wrong  you know the old back hand and what not and me and my best friend used to joke about all the things he would do to us at school and cry in front of everyone, everyone thought we were actually insane we'd be laughing telling everyone and then we would just cry about it together.
 You know not the full on black eye type shit but it was still the same and it still hurt. I used to hide in our bathroom a  lot and text my boyfriend when I was sad or scared and one time he even saw that guy hit me I remember him telling me that my friend had to hold him back so he didn't attack him. I was at a party last night where that ex boyfriend was, and someone told me to go lie with him and well you really don't have to tell me twice to do things like that so I did, I was just being all cute and hugging him (mind you he hates me), and me being me I just kept doing it anyway and he told me to get away from him but he always does that but this time it was different, someone had an audience. I probs spin this in a much hurtful way then it happened but that's how it happened from my viewpoint. He's friend told me to go upstairs and I was like "Whaaaat, why?" and he just snapped, I swear to fucking Christ he was going to hit me he picked me up and literally threw me outside.  I just started crying and I tried to find my way home but apparently I was 20kms away from where I live Caaaaaaaan youuuuuu saaaaaaay FUCK MY LIFE?  


 My friends beautiful room mate came outside and sheep herded me back inside where I screamed for a good 10 minutes that "I just wanted to go home!" Next morning no one said anything to me, apparently this type of behavior is excusable in this country, again I called my beautiful Mum and she coached me to stop crying and to go back inside and to wait for our lovely friend on the street to come and get us because it was so awkward and sad inside I couldn't stop thinking maybe it wasn't that bad maybe I was exaggerating  but put it this way imagine someone picking up your mum and throwing her outside, that is NOT fucking okay! (if in case you love your mum just at much as I love mine). I text the guy who threw me outside 'remember how you almost punched me/physically abused me' and he replied in retort '...remember that time you exaggerated and lied once again... wen i said please leave me alone about one hundred times and you didn't' No apology I was just called a liar, I think it was the pack mentality thing he had an audience why not succumb to it, I will not ever tolerate being physically abused and can't believe someone who has seen/heard about me being hurt by abuse would succumb to the same, I guess I deserved it HE DID tell me to leave him alone a hundred times, right?
You know from so many different types of abuse I have copped off these pigs, it's all the same exaggerated or not it is disgusting pigful behavior and I will never understand it's roots, why can't people use their words not their fists like educated civilized people. In regards to whether I deserved the behavior I can inform you violence/abuse/bullying is never the answer I have learnt this the hardest way possible, no one in the world should be punished by someone else hands they have a right to their own dignity at all times. 

May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion. We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds.

 

Issues with Walt -L

I have this thing where I knit pick movies even magical ones like Harry Potter, he could of used that time machine necklace Hermoine had in Prisner of Azkaban, to go back in time and save all his friends in the end of the books/movies that died and if he fucked it up, HELLO YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE NECKLACE HARRY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FUCK UP, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! How about Lord of the Rings why the shit couldn't  Frodo and Sam ride that giant moth/eagle to Mordor in the first place?!

I know, I know it's about the journey and what not but C'mon...

SO, Disney movies... were my childhood. I'm not talking about that Beverely Hills Chihuhuas 1, 2 and 3! I got down with the classics. Looking for the bare necessities in the Jungle Book. Letting Bambi show me the terrible loss of aloved one and you're god damn right I'll be a various house hold appliance inBeauty and the Beast. But times change. People grow older. The days of begging my mummy to let me watch Snow White before bed have turned into me jerkin' it snorting a Xanax watchin' the Saw movies before bed. The point is my all innocence has gone. My childhood clearly is over. (please note: I have never actually taken Xanax I try my hardest not to live my life like Amy Winehouse).

So, before I master unprotected sexual intercourse with aconsenting male and before I am ready to suffer the consequences of my sinful behaviour and his poor reaction time, well in other words before I have achild, I can only sit back quietly at home by myself and watch and judge and critique these Disney Movies.

First off, fuck your own face Ariel. You got to live in an amazing underwater kingdom and for fucksake your dad is king! and you had likea billion fish slaves.  YOU HAVE A GIANT SEAHORSE CHARIOT!!!  But that is totally not good enough for your skinny mermaid ass, is it? You want to leave all your lusciou ssea creature friends and family to live in a habitat where you literally cannot fucking survive with your god damn fish tail. Oh you want to be part of ourworld? I'll trade you like 1,000 times over. I'll be babin' it in a bikini all day and night  in your marine wonderland riding on dolphins breathing from my gills, while you study at a dead end University, where I'll end up working at McDonalds flicking pickles of windows!  But in your infinite wisdom you say hell yeah and fuck off to land with your shitty legs and beautiful cartoon red hair... seriously first off for you to come to OUR land with YOUR red hair,you're a god damn witch and where the fucks your working visa?

Poor god damn prince Eric didn't sign up for any of this bullshit. After finding you on the beach like the handsome Home and Away reminding character, he took you straight home with intentions of stuffing all of your brand new holes. I get it. You're beautiful, only 16, don't have avoice what's more perfect than a mute woman? AM I RIGHT GENTLEMEN?

 Anyway clearly Ursularuined that by making a wedding with that Prince of yours but you still gate crash the wedding with your filthy bird army and break the spell before Ursula turns into a 90 foot tall octopus and destroys everything. Including the ship the wedding was on BITCH?! The ship Eric's whole family was on! Eric's whole family is dead now. You murdered Eric's family with your selfish curiosity.They were just alive yesterday! BUT NOWWW THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU.

What about Pocahontas and all her bullshit gibberish she's Indian yet she speaks perfectly in tongues in English now doesn’t she;

"Say have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue cornmoon?" if I were John Smith I would have been all like "DUDE! I literally just got here like 2 days ago. You literally saw my ship come in. So no. No I haven't?"  Or 

"asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?"

 Me again; "you know that I haven't done any of this shit, please stop."

"Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?"

 Me: "Fuck, I doubt it, I don't even know what that means?"

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me:  LOOK, just shut the fuck up.

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me: Hey eat this it's called a ruffie, you'll love it.

What about Mulan? Do you remember that one? The sexy Chinese cartoon girl, who goes to battle instead of her dad because of conscription and falls in love with her commander, dude that movie has so many queer undertones...I literally thought she was a boy half the time and did you actually know in China warriors would actually have sex with their protégées anyway?* DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WOULD OF FOUND OUT QUITE QUICKLY ABOUT THE FACT SHE DID NOT HAVE A DICK.

I hate the fact in these movies the main characters could talk to animals and cups and shit, do you even realize how many times I would talk to my pets and cups when I was little and the utter devastation of when they didn’t talk back to me, would literally shatter my heart to pieces. Disney is all like"yay everyone is special if you have a dream" well yeah you know what? Fuck you Disney from your unbelievably un realistic expectations!
IF I were kidnapped today and I was as baben' as Belle was portrayed, FUUUCK NO would the beast have been a seriously cool top bloke... that is rape my friends and she would have been a victim of it! So here's the deal Disney write a classic that isn't a "fairy tale"... What about  the princess is left at the alter? That her prince charming is gay as a rainbow? or how about the princess leaves her prince to perhaps better her career? OR just maybe because we all know I am going to die alone, make a Disney princess who in fact doesn't get a prince to kiss her to wake her from her enduced slumber from the evil witch, but she dies. Simple as that. She's dead, no cats no filthy birds she DIES ALONE.

-L

*This fact is highly incorrect, but literally Japanese Samuraisdid, NOW that’s a true fact google it, just well not China! LOL

Exam-time is making me crazy -R

I'm no expert on world-wide education, but I'm imagining many of you are approaching exam-time. It's a stressful time of year, because you're about to be categorized into 'success' or 'failure,' even though we can all tell that the failures are the ones still appearing at night clubs around the city even with only 2 weeks till exams starts (says the girl who hasn't been able to walk this week after refusing to stop dancing on Saturday night FML).
I realized that my complete inability to give up the partying scene and study for a couple of weeks is kind of justified though. Maybe not justified exactly. But exams are making me crazy. I can't stop thinking about math. I guess I got a bit retarded on the weekend because I legit starting thinking I was a number, and I thought that every time I pumped my fist in the air I was growing into a bigger number. And I distinctly recall trying to calculate the equation of the line the bus was taking on the way home and saying to my friends "I can't solve it!" and then when they gave me looks of confusion, "Oh my god I'm thinking about math again guys! HELP ME." So at least I'm thinking about my schoolwork like all the time, right?

I wanted to give you guys some tips on surviving exam time, and hopefully in reading them you'll realise that they're shit tips and think up better ones of your own, but here goes.

• First off, you do have exams coming up, right?
  If so, congratulations on being part of the educated segment of our society (this comment is designed purely to piss off a bunch of tradeys and cabinet makers. Calm down guys we totally love your work.)

• Now, have you made yourself an exam time-table?
  Exam timetables can be great reminders because any time that you wonder what you should be doing today, you just look at it and know that the only answer is 'study'! Forget a social life! Forget sleeping! Forget feeding the cat! YOU MUST STUDY.
  The most successful exam time-tables look something like this:
  
  And hopefully nothing like this:
     

• Think positively.Exams can bring on bouts of depression in even the brightest sparks. It's important to keep your cool and most importantly, keep a smile on your dial! I've compiled a list of positive thoughts for your benefit, in case the pre-exam-grumpy's have already hit you and you can't think up any of your own. If all else fails just try adding the word "yay" to the end of any sentence and speak with blinding enthusiasm.
• "If I pass my exams really well, I can go get super drunk to celebrate. Yay!"
• "If I don't pass my exams well, at least I know that all the smart kids will be off getting drunk in celebration, so by the time they've killed half their brain cells I'll be as smart as them anyway. Yay!"
• "If I fail my exams, I can throw education aside and start plotting world domination with my army of giraffes. Yay!"
• "I will never have to sit in math class and wonder why the fuck anybody would buy that many bananas, and why they wouldn't calculate the cost by putting them on the scales like a regular person. Yay!"
• "I will never have to wear pants again!!!! YAAYYYY!!!!

Alright unfortunately the last one was wishful thinking. But it's still positive thinking nonetheless, let's not forget that.

• Give yourself breaks.
  No point trying to cram allllllllllll that information into that tiiiinnnyyyyyy little brain of yours (don't be offended, own it.) You need breaks. I like to give myself about a one hour break for every ten minutes of study but it's up to you to figure out what works best.

• Find a way to gain sympathy from everybody around you
  I know this because I've been studying human behavior for the last couple of weeks and I have noticed the vast number of people acting like assholes and then blaming it on "exam stress." So this is apparently a perfectly legitimate excuse and I'll admit I've adopted it myself. You could spin it a few different ways. Here are some examples.
  Example One: Stand outside a pet store wailing loudly until somebody asks you what's wrong. Explain to them that somebody ran over your puppy that morning and you're sooooooo stressed about losing your best friend right before exams. With any luck, you could score a new puppy! YAY!
  Example Two: Enter a liquor store and demand that they aid you in stealing every drop of alcohol in the store. If you get caught by the police, avoid the court case by pleading insanity due to exam stress! YAY! 

• Get yourself a jingle.
  Did you guys learn about jingles? Those catchy songs that you hear for the first time and think, "Man that is TOO LAME," and fifteen minutes later you have a crazed look in your eye as you frantically dial that 1800- number and scream into the telephone "I NEED THE NIMBUS 2000 VACCUM CLEANER AND I NEED IT NOW!!!" Nope alright maybe that one's just me, but still you probably know how catchy those tunes can get. You can make this work for you. Please listen to the following video recording and make this your brain's theme song for the rest of the year. Wooo!
  
  (If the link doesn't work, click here)
• Last but not least, just breath.
  You've already proven that you're an intelligent individual by reading this blog post! Also, with all of these brilliant tips, you're bound to ace your exams! Good luck babes!
  (P.S that was a test, I spelled breathe wrong. You're all doomed.)

-Love R xoxo

To my future Son/Daughter - L

To my future Son/Daughter

Alright, so I hope to GOD you're not going to be a baby/toddler reading this unless of course I'm super rich and bought you some sweet ass Leap Frog shit and you're so smart right now, or unless I marry/get inpregnated by a genius the chances of you being super smart at say five years old are zilch, Sorry about that!
Actually, what if your like a prodogy or something? Oh, okay let's clear this up if you can play Bethoven on our grand piano at 5 stop reading, or if you're like a normal kid and take your dick out at the kitchen table, please by all means keep reading haha No... I'm kidding you cant read!!!
This would just be a bunch of black squiggles if you're the one who gets naked at dinner! But either way if you're my son/daughter and you can play Betoven at 5, FUCK YOU! It took me 12 years to learn how to tie my own fucking shoes and I didn't realize my two times tables went up by twos until pre-teens.

Ok, Ok let me re-do this!
This letter is about how you were made, so at least can you have pubes before you read this?

1ST AMENDMENT: YOU WILL RECEIVE AND READ THIS LETTER WHEN YOU SPROUT PUBES

My Future Son/Daughter,

Congratulations on your pubes!
I'd say I hate you by now and I'm really not impressed at what you will/have done to my vagina walls. They say it's repairable and bounces right back but everyone knows it's never the same! So, Thanks for that.
Put it this way I'll have the body of Victoria's Secret model and the vagina of my University room mate. (lol) Hi Emily :)

Enough of that. The reason I am writing this letter is in case I die or I am not very "connected" with you, I find it a lot easier to write. I  swear to God if I've divorced your father I'm gonna' be so pissed or if you like your dad more than me, I'm gonna' go all Shutter Island mum on you and drown you all at our luxurious lake house, (lolsies again, good movie yeah? 10/10 that bits fucked though couldn't sleep for awhile there!)

I'm pretty damn sure I'm the best Mum ever so I guess I don't have to worry about your dad being a better parent than me!
I'm gonna' let you do like litereally all the shit you want, HAHAHHAHAA I'm so fucking kidding I'm gonna' seriously fuck you over, you're going to be that kid that goes "Mum said I can't come over". BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE. MINE ALL MINE. I made  YOU from MY Ovaries!
So go back to your chains connected to your room! Why are you out of the chains? Did I let you out so you can read this letter? Cute :)
I'm going to still be breast feeding you until you're Twelve girl or boy!
(Game of Thrones Reference, ew!)
I will also have a leash for you so we never have to be apart. 
(NOOOOO PEOPLE C'MON YOUR BABY ISN'T A DOG, unless your kid is blind or autistic if I see him/her on a leash, I'll kill you! LIKE HELLO JUST BEAT THEM!!! Not that hard people.)


Ok, the birds and the bees- I really don't know the specifics so google/yahoo that shit to learn more if you have to. Do y'all still have google in the future? Guess I'll find out on my own lol. I bet future google is craaaazy rad. But, you were in my tummy and I stopped smoking cigs and that was hard for me and I even stopped drinking which was even harder, so by now you've fucked my life but you formed in me for 9 months and in that time I grew to like you, I guess... (refer to google for details of this growth).

By now you were born (also ruined me). Anyway, the fact you have pubes right now means you're almost a teenager! So here is the real talk homie, DONT bang a woman/man unless you love them okay?!
The point is this: don't have sexual intercourse AT ALL until you are SURELY in love with your partner.  You're prob all like "but Mum why can't we just use protecton?!"
BECAUSE IT SUCKS THAT'S WHY. CONDOMS WERE INVENTED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF, RETARD. YOU CAN'T FEEL A DAMN THING. Don't talk like that in my house/caravan (whatever).
Sorry for calling you a retard.

If you are a girl - I'm sorry but soon you will get this thing were you bleed once a month from your ham wallet (menstruation, google that shit), it's honestly fucked up in some countries women have to move away from their village when they get it for a whole week :(
Your dad just locks me in the basement though, so hopefully soon you can join me yay!

If you are a boy- Unfortunetly I won't be seeing you in the basement once a month:( but you get to get paid higher than women! Isn't that awesome!
You're going to get a lot of feelings and emotions towards women or men please be men, please be men... which will make you want to touch them... DON'T.
JUST DON'T! Can you just not have any form of sex until like 21?! or like 18 I don't want people thinking you're a loser... so yeah 18... This does not stand for if I have a girl you'll still be in chains because no man will ever touch you unless he sells me 5 decent sized cows for the usage of your bodess. (lol)

I will perform weekly computer history checks and no one from the opposite sex can enter our house until the ages of now (pube sprouting) until mmm... until you get married! 
I've also attached softporn sites on the back of the letter, AND I BETTER SEE SOME CRUSTY SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY, YA FEEL ME? (To the boy).
No in all honesty, I look forward to our warm embraces, your first words, first teeth, first bike ride and your dad rustling your blonde/brown/black/red* hair at the breakfast table (*in case of red hair, this letter would have been delivered by your foster parents).

You're almost an adult now. You need to start making your own decisions so don't fuck this up !
(congrats again on the pubes sweetie pie).


Love always, Mummy.

Things I've learned from TV -R

Over the years spent sitting in front of the plastic box I've accumulated a number of observations about the tv/film world. Good things and bad things, you know? I think I like the real world but that said, if I could live in a tv world with Leslie Knope as my mother and George Clooney as my father then I think that would be a great thing too.

Things I've learned from TV:

• It's normal to crash your dad's car at least several times during your life and regardless of how expensive it is he will have it replaced within a week (and occasionally you will crash the replacement car too)
• You can be like thirty years old and STILL go to high school.
• You should really just marry everybody you meet on the off chance it works out, because chances are you'll have 34 divorces in your lifetime anyway
• If you have sex you WILL get pregnant and die.
• If you're pretty then you probably dont need to worry about being shot or run over or killed in any freak accident because nobody wants to see a pretty girl die, so basically you're invincible.
• If you're not pretty then watch the fuck out.
• It doesn't matter whether you're funny or not, because somewhere, somehow, somebody is laughing, and if they aren't then the directors will throw a laugh track in the background anyway.

• Any time you feel like singing/dancing it's like you suddenly share a brain with everybody around you. Seriously all your words and moves and probably your periods just sync up and its just like operating dual puppets or something. I could never be on TV for this reason because I would spend far too much time time breaking out random dance moves just to test people.
• You can't just ask someone why they're white!
• If a bomb has 10 seconds left before it defuses, don't sweat coz they will drag that out to at least 2 minutes.
• DONT GO UP TO THE ATTIC IF THERE'S A MURDERER IN THE HOUSE YOU DUMB BITCH.
• Humans are truly kindhearted. I am totally assured that if I dropped a notebook on a busy Melbourne street and loose pieces of paper went flying everywhere, a handsome stranger would immediately rush to my aid and then he would love me and we would go get coffee and then married probably.
• I definitely don't advise going to the hospital if you're deathly ill because that place is just FULL of scandal and doctors having sex with nurses in the broom cupboards like every five seconds right.
• Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
• There is nothing remotely dangerous about punching/ falling through a glass window. You probably won't even cry and you will NEVER get glass in you (unless there's a hot chick to tend to the wound).

• I've realised it's important to do your makeup before you go to bed because apparently everybody wakes up with flawless skin and artistically ruffled hair and not like a bedraggled savage :(
• Any time there is any great impending danger your best bet is to just leave it and go watch some TV because the world never blows up okay.
• It's perfectly acceptable to hang up on someone midway through a phone call. Once you've gotten the information you need, don't say goodbye or anything, just hang up. It's way cooler and nobody ever seems to get mad about it.
• If a man and a woman hate each other they WILL eventually fall madly and passionately in love. This opens so many doors to so many creepers.
• Glenn Coco is popular as FUCK

To My Future Husband -R

The other day a friend of mine was telling me how weird I am for my complete lack of motivation to hunt out a boyfriend. I beg to disagree, and not just because I am a firm supporter of cat-ladies everywhere, but mostly because I just don't see the need to chain myself to some poor boy's ankle like some girls tend to do. Not just that though, it's also because I REALLY don't want to throw myself at the first somewhat reasonable male that I see, and then discover that he's (god forbid) a morning person, or he insists on being in the driver's seat, or he wants seventeen children or something equally distressing. There's a lot of fish in the sea, you know? I guess my plan is to catch as many as I can, give them a kiss and throw them back, until I find one that turns into a prince.
But even a prince might snore really loudly, so I've compiled a list of necessary qualities for my future husband to posess. I'd like to point out that I imagine Channing Tatum ticks practically every box, so once I lure him to a wedding ceremony we can forget about all of this, but it's unwise not to have a back up plan, so this is a checklist for every other fish in the sea.


My future husband must:

• Be making enough money to support the both of us.
  
I ain’t no gold digger. I’ll have my own job and the plan is that I will be worth a small fortune myself. But my hubby’s paycheck will probably go towards a house and food etc etc, whereas my own money will be spent on further expanding my shoe collection.
• Share my love for nachos
  
I’m not going to exaggerate, but nachos are my favourite thing in life. If he’s kinky then I would NOT be against covering him in salsa and cheese and guacamole because I can see the merits of this, it would be sooooo much better than the boring old ‘chocolate sauce’ game that everybody plays. Seriously though.
• NOT share my love for cherryripe pods

  Nachos is a “sharing is caring” kind of food, but cherry ripe pods are not. I could eat like ten packets of these babies. I’m not a monster, he can have maybe 3-4 pods out of each packet, but NO MORE. While I’m lingering on the food topic, it would also be great if he liked things coloured orange because I hate that shit. Orange jellybeans, orange starburst, any orange lolly really. These always pose a huge dilemma for me when I’m eating any packet of lollies because I HATE the colour orange omg.

• Have buff arms

  This is the biggest must of anything I can think of. If you don’t have arm muscles then who the fuck are you?! This is exactly the reason that my imaginary relationship with Orlando Bloom has so many holes in it. Things would never work out between us. You need huge arm muscles for many activities. Opening the lids of really tough jars? How you gonna accomplish that if your arms look like twigs? Carry me around? I’m not saying “carry me up the stairs to the bedroom,” I’m saying, “I’m lazy as fuck and it would be great if you carried me to every destination I ever want to go to. Oh we need groceries? Hmm I don’t feel like driving 10km to the store, would you mind carrying me there? I wanna go to the gym. Can you run on the treadmill on my behalf while holding me in your arms so that I can feel like I’m accomplishing something? THANKS BABE <3"

• Make me feel good about myself.

  I’ll make you feel good about yourself I promise. Especially on the aforementioned arms thing because I literally have zero upper body strength and I cannot do a single pushup. Like seriously one of my friends tried to train me to do a pushup so he took me to the swimming pool and got me lifting those foam weights that old ladies use, and I couldn’t do it. I promise to make you feel tough and masculine when you look at my scrawny pathetic weakness, as long as, in return, you tell me I’m a wonderful driver, and always notice when my hair is really silky, and maybe OCCASIONALLY loosen the lids of jars in secret so that I can open them myself and feel super strong as well. I think I’m spitting in the face of feminism right now and making myself look hopeless and pitiable but then I think that maybe I just am hopeless and pitiable so that’s alright.
• Never criticize my eating habits

  When I chew with my mouth open you will SMILE and think “oh she’s so cute!” and that is FINAL.
• Do cute romantic shit

  This isn’t actually something I’m overly fussed about, but I definitely feel that one of the biggest advantages of not being single would be rubbing it in the faces of other people. Soooo I dunno, you don’t have to actually DO heaps of cute romantic shit in reality, I guess we could just sit together and think up some fake romantic shit for me to TELL other girls that you did and I imagine that would also suit me just fine.
• Accept that I’m the more hilarious one.

  Look if you’re really funny then I guess this point is void. But let’s face it, the chances of that are RATHER slim.
• Know when to walk on eggshells.
  
I’m warning you that if I truly think you’re wonderful I will without a doubt act like some crazy obsessed octopus and wrap my tentacles around your throat in love. But this is a ONE WAY STREET and I swear that if turn that shit on me out I’ll get a restraining order on you (unless you’re Channing Tatum, in which case GO FOR YOUR LIFE!). But seriously, I do all of this stuff in jest and I think I’m hilarious but I’m Joking which is the point; I’m allowed to act like a creep because I’m being funny and it gives me stuff to blog about if I get desperate. But YOU need to know when to walk away, when to let me win a fight, when to play hard to get, when to play easy to get, when to compliment me extra, when to buy me gifts ETC ETC ETC. Basically if you’re a mind reader that would be great?

LAST QUALIFICATION: I’ve shown this picture before but it’s something I’m very passionate about

So far in my life I’ve met a fair few two-out-of-threes, quite a score of one-out-of-threes and TOO MANY zero-out-of-threes (because I seem to have the luck of somebody who’s broken about a billion mirrors in their lifetime.) Three-out-of-threes are few and far between and I have met very few (and if watching them on the screen doesn’t count as ‘meeting,‘ then I’ve met ever fewer. Sob). My future husband WILL be a three-out-of-three.
So if you feel that you fit the criteria please express your interest in the comments section below, and attach a resume too please, and tell me where you’re gonna take me for our first date? I'll get back to you if and only if my plans with Channing Tatum fall through.


xoxo -R



My almost-phobias -R

I remember back in myspace days when people used to make a list on their page about their supposed 'phobias' and act like it was a good thing, which is a bit weird really but anyway, I've taken a trip down memory lane on this post. There are definitely things in life that irk me to no end. Sometimes I’m not sure how altogether rational I’m being when I get annoyed/upset/scared, but then I figure there are people out there with like, Koinoniphobia- fear of rooms, and I guess that I can take comfort in the fact that I can still live in a house with walls. Still, sometimes I think I'm just weird, but since most of my fears/annoyances seem to be classified as legitimate phobias, at least I know I'm not alone, nor am I by any means the worst out there.

• Spoiler Alert!
  TELL ME THE ENDING TO ANY BOOK OR MOVIE AND I WILL COME AT YOU IN THE NIGHT AND REENACT A SCENE FROM SAW.
  I don’t know why this bugs me so much. Seriously like don’t even TALK to me about a book/movie. Obviously if you tell me what happens in the end I’ll probably slice the tips of your fingers off, but I get SERIOUSLY annoyed about even the most cryptic of comments. Like, you can’t say to me “Oh the ending is awesome, it’s the biggest twist ever.” Well THANKS A FUCKING LOT for letting me know that whatever I expect to happen is NOT going to happen and depriving me the opportunity for pleasant surprise you HEARTLESS BEAST.
  If I had a real phobia: Epistemophobia -fear of knowledge 

• Foot non-fetish
  One of my friends once hot me drunk and convinced me to let him give me a foot massage and I feel uncomfortable even recalling that and ugh just. I don’t even want to keep writing.
  This is one of the main reasons why when girls are all like “Omg I can’t wait for summer!” I stay quiet and think about how in a perfect world all humans would wear socks at all times.
  If I had a real phobia: Podophobia - Fear of feet.

• Other People’s Driving
  Since the day I got my licence I will admit that the primary reason for me to be driven around by someone else is a) my parents pick me up because I’m drunk or b) my friends are driving me somewhere because I’m drunk.
  Something about other people driving makes me really nervous. One night we went out for dinner and I had some wine so my dad drove me home. It was the first time since I got my licence that anybody else had driven me. I literally started talking nonstop to try to mask the fact that I was hyperventilating. WTF.
  I’m also the worst passenger seat driver you will ever meet. A couple of weeks ago I got hit in the head at soccer and my mum had to drive me to the hospital. Most of the drive is pretty unclear to me but I distinctly recall sitting bolt upright in my chair and saying “You’re driving weird. Why are you driving weird? You didn’t indicate for long enough there.” and then flopping back down in my seat and passing out.
  If I had a real phobia: hodophobia - Fear of travel.

• Seafood
  I’m going to really stab myself in the foot here and come clean about a lie that I’ve been telling since I was about 11 years old: I’m not allergic to seafood.
  I think that it all started with prawns. I don’t even like the look of them but they fucking have FACES you carnivorous monsters! Their eyes may be blacker than the darkest pits of hell but how can you tear their heads off and suck their guts out?! Vampires! No thankyou sir, not for me.
  If I had a real phobia: Ostraconophobia -Fear of seafood.
    
• Love me! No wait, love me not! 
  I'm currently uncertain as to whether this could be a legitimate disease or not. You may have gotten wind of my fear of commitment from my other posts but perhaps you don't realise that I haven't had a legitimate relationship for my whole life. Just a couple of days ago, my ex walked into the place where I work, and I actually hid from him. That's how pathetic I am. It's worthwhile to point out that this is my CURRENT ex... from five YEARS ago. Just when you start thinking I'm a joke I tell you it was a 48 hour relationship. Just when you start to think that's as bad as it's gonna get I tell you that's the second longest relationship of my life. I HAVE A PROBLEM! :( Sincere apologies go to the people I have unintentionally lead on. You're all lovely people, but I always start off with rose coloured glasses and end up wondering at which point I should begin purchasing cats to start my collection.
  If I had a real phobia: Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love
   
• I'd rather stay in the pool...
  I have a love hate relationship with the beach. Love; mainly because everybody ELSE loves the beach so much that I get tricked into thinking I love it too. Hate; hmm mainly well, EVERYTHING after 16 seconds of arrival at the beach.
  I hate that the general concept of a bikini is "hang your boobs from your neck" because you seriously don't understand how uncomfortable that can get. Also there are always approximately six hundred and fifty four girls that look better than me in a bathing suit and make me feel disgusting, and approximately seventeen billion other people that should never have put a bathing suit on in their life. I hate things in the water, seriously jellyfish are ASSHOLES I swear they blob around in their weird creepy way (which is Totally unnatural btw) and then as a collective group just swarm around ME on purpose. I hate looking stoned for like seven hours afterwards from salt in my eyes. I hate getting sand in places where sand SHOULD NOT GO. I also hate being pushed around in general, and that is EXACTLY what those goddamn waves DO. Also there are feet EVERYWHERE and that's disgusting.
  If I had a real phobia: This one doesn't even have a name. I'm alone in my fear of the beach :(

Ten million dollars says everybody who knows me will now start walking around barefoot in front of me or trying to sneak prawns into my fried rice (the biggest fault of chinese food ever, I'd like to point out). That's the type of friends I have. But it feels much better to have vented, and at least now that I've confronted these things I can rest assured that I definitely don't have phobophobia -fear of fear. That would be a tricky one I feel.