My almost-phobias -R

I remember back in myspace days when people used to make a list on their page about their supposed 'phobias' and act like it was a good thing, which is a bit weird really but anyway, I've taken a trip down memory lane on this post. There are definitely things in life that irk me to no end. Sometimes I’m not sure how altogether rational I’m being when I get annoyed/upset/scared, but then I figure there are people out there with like, Koinoniphobia- fear of rooms, and I guess that I can take comfort in the fact that I can still live in a house with walls. Still, sometimes I think I'm just weird, but since most of my fears/annoyances seem to be classified as legitimate phobias, at least I know I'm not alone, nor am I by any means the worst out there.

• Spoiler Alert!
  TELL ME THE ENDING TO ANY BOOK OR MOVIE AND I WILL COME AT YOU IN THE NIGHT AND REENACT A SCENE FROM SAW.
  I don’t know why this bugs me so much. Seriously like don’t even TALK to me about a book/movie. Obviously if you tell me what happens in the end I’ll probably slice the tips of your fingers off, but I get SERIOUSLY annoyed about even the most cryptic of comments. Like, you can’t say to me “Oh the ending is awesome, it’s the biggest twist ever.” Well THANKS A FUCKING LOT for letting me know that whatever I expect to happen is NOT going to happen and depriving me the opportunity for pleasant surprise you HEARTLESS BEAST.
  If I had a real phobia: Epistemophobia -fear of knowledge 

• Foot non-fetish
  One of my friends once hot me drunk and convinced me to let him give me a foot massage and I feel uncomfortable even recalling that and ugh just. I don’t even want to keep writing.
  This is one of the main reasons why when girls are all like “Omg I can’t wait for summer!” I stay quiet and think about how in a perfect world all humans would wear socks at all times.
  If I had a real phobia: Podophobia - Fear of feet.

• Other People’s Driving
  Since the day I got my licence I will admit that the primary reason for me to be driven around by someone else is a) my parents pick me up because I’m drunk or b) my friends are driving me somewhere because I’m drunk.
  Something about other people driving makes me really nervous. One night we went out for dinner and I had some wine so my dad drove me home. It was the first time since I got my licence that anybody else had driven me. I literally started talking nonstop to try to mask the fact that I was hyperventilating. WTF.
  I’m also the worst passenger seat driver you will ever meet. A couple of weeks ago I got hit in the head at soccer and my mum had to drive me to the hospital. Most of the drive is pretty unclear to me but I distinctly recall sitting bolt upright in my chair and saying “You’re driving weird. Why are you driving weird? You didn’t indicate for long enough there.” and then flopping back down in my seat and passing out.
  If I had a real phobia: hodophobia - Fear of travel.

• Seafood
  I’m going to really stab myself in the foot here and come clean about a lie that I’ve been telling since I was about 11 years old: I’m not allergic to seafood.
  I think that it all started with prawns. I don’t even like the look of them but they fucking have FACES you carnivorous monsters! Their eyes may be blacker than the darkest pits of hell but how can you tear their heads off and suck their guts out?! Vampires! No thankyou sir, not for me.
  If I had a real phobia: Ostraconophobia -Fear of seafood.
    
• Love me! No wait, love me not! 
  I'm currently uncertain as to whether this could be a legitimate disease or not. You may have gotten wind of my fear of commitment from my other posts but perhaps you don't realise that I haven't had a legitimate relationship for my whole life. Just a couple of days ago, my ex walked into the place where I work, and I actually hid from him. That's how pathetic I am. It's worthwhile to point out that this is my CURRENT ex... from five YEARS ago. Just when you start thinking I'm a joke I tell you it was a 48 hour relationship. Just when you start to think that's as bad as it's gonna get I tell you that's the second longest relationship of my life. I HAVE A PROBLEM! :( Sincere apologies go to the people I have unintentionally lead on. You're all lovely people, but I always start off with rose coloured glasses and end up wondering at which point I should begin purchasing cats to start my collection.
  If I had a real phobia: Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love
   
• I'd rather stay in the pool...
  I have a love hate relationship with the beach. Love; mainly because everybody ELSE loves the beach so much that I get tricked into thinking I love it too. Hate; hmm mainly well, EVERYTHING after 16 seconds of arrival at the beach.
  I hate that the general concept of a bikini is "hang your boobs from your neck" because you seriously don't understand how uncomfortable that can get. Also there are always approximately six hundred and fifty four girls that look better than me in a bathing suit and make me feel disgusting, and approximately seventeen billion other people that should never have put a bathing suit on in their life. I hate things in the water, seriously jellyfish are ASSHOLES I swear they blob around in their weird creepy way (which is Totally unnatural btw) and then as a collective group just swarm around ME on purpose. I hate looking stoned for like seven hours afterwards from salt in my eyes. I hate getting sand in places where sand SHOULD NOT GO. I also hate being pushed around in general, and that is EXACTLY what those goddamn waves DO. Also there are feet EVERYWHERE and that's disgusting.
  If I had a real phobia: This one doesn't even have a name. I'm alone in my fear of the beach :(

Ten million dollars says everybody who knows me will now start walking around barefoot in front of me or trying to sneak prawns into my fried rice (the biggest fault of chinese food ever, I'd like to point out). That's the type of friends I have. But it feels much better to have vented, and at least now that I've confronted these things I can rest assured that I definitely don't have phobophobia -fear of fear. That would be a tricky one I feel.