Issues with Walt -L

I have this thing where I knit pick movies even magical ones like Harry Potter, he could of used that time machine necklace Hermoine had in Prisner of Azkaban, to go back in time and save all his friends in the end of the books/movies that died and if he fucked it up, HELLO YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE NECKLACE HARRY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FUCK UP, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! How about Lord of the Rings why the shit couldn't  Frodo and Sam ride that giant moth/eagle to Mordor in the first place?!

I know, I know it's about the journey and what not but C'mon...

SO, Disney movies... were my childhood. I'm not talking about that Beverely Hills Chihuhuas 1, 2 and 3! I got down with the classics. Looking for the bare necessities in the Jungle Book. Letting Bambi show me the terrible loss of aloved one and you're god damn right I'll be a various house hold appliance inBeauty and the Beast. But times change. People grow older. The days of begging my mummy to let me watch Snow White before bed have turned into me jerkin' it snorting a Xanax watchin' the Saw movies before bed. The point is my all innocence has gone. My childhood clearly is over. (please note: I have never actually taken Xanax I try my hardest not to live my life like Amy Winehouse).

So, before I master unprotected sexual intercourse with aconsenting male and before I am ready to suffer the consequences of my sinful behaviour and his poor reaction time, well in other words before I have achild, I can only sit back quietly at home by myself and watch and judge and critique these Disney Movies.

First off, fuck your own face Ariel. You got to live in an amazing underwater kingdom and for fucksake your dad is king! and you had likea billion fish slaves.  YOU HAVE A GIANT SEAHORSE CHARIOT!!!  But that is totally not good enough for your skinny mermaid ass, is it? You want to leave all your lusciou ssea creature friends and family to live in a habitat where you literally cannot fucking survive with your god damn fish tail. Oh you want to be part of ourworld? I'll trade you like 1,000 times over. I'll be babin' it in a bikini all day and night  in your marine wonderland riding on dolphins breathing from my gills, while you study at a dead end University, where I'll end up working at McDonalds flicking pickles of windows!  But in your infinite wisdom you say hell yeah and fuck off to land with your shitty legs and beautiful cartoon red hair... seriously first off for you to come to OUR land with YOUR red hair,you're a god damn witch and where the fucks your working visa?

Poor god damn prince Eric didn't sign up for any of this bullshit. After finding you on the beach like the handsome Home and Away reminding character, he took you straight home with intentions of stuffing all of your brand new holes. I get it. You're beautiful, only 16, don't have avoice what's more perfect than a mute woman? AM I RIGHT GENTLEMEN?

 Anyway clearly Ursularuined that by making a wedding with that Prince of yours but you still gate crash the wedding with your filthy bird army and break the spell before Ursula turns into a 90 foot tall octopus and destroys everything. Including the ship the wedding was on BITCH?! The ship Eric's whole family was on! Eric's whole family is dead now. You murdered Eric's family with your selfish curiosity.They were just alive yesterday! BUT NOWWW THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU.

What about Pocahontas and all her bullshit gibberish she's Indian yet she speaks perfectly in tongues in English now doesn’t she;

"Say have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue cornmoon?" if I were John Smith I would have been all like "DUDE! I literally just got here like 2 days ago. You literally saw my ship come in. So no. No I haven't?"  Or 

"asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?"

 Me again; "you know that I haven't done any of this shit, please stop."

"Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?"

 Me: "Fuck, I doubt it, I don't even know what that means?"

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me:  LOOK, just shut the fuck up.

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me: Hey eat this it's called a ruffie, you'll love it.

What about Mulan? Do you remember that one? The sexy Chinese cartoon girl, who goes to battle instead of her dad because of conscription and falls in love with her commander, dude that movie has so many queer undertones...I literally thought she was a boy half the time and did you actually know in China warriors would actually have sex with their protégées anyway?* DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WOULD OF FOUND OUT QUITE QUICKLY ABOUT THE FACT SHE DID NOT HAVE A DICK.

I hate the fact in these movies the main characters could talk to animals and cups and shit, do you even realize how many times I would talk to my pets and cups when I was little and the utter devastation of when they didn’t talk back to me, would literally shatter my heart to pieces. Disney is all like"yay everyone is special if you have a dream" well yeah you know what? Fuck you Disney from your unbelievably un realistic expectations!
IF I were kidnapped today and I was as baben' as Belle was portrayed, FUUUCK NO would the beast have been a seriously cool top bloke... that is rape my friends and she would have been a victim of it! So here's the deal Disney write a classic that isn't a "fairy tale"... What about  the princess is left at the alter? That her prince charming is gay as a rainbow? or how about the princess leaves her prince to perhaps better her career? OR just maybe because we all know I am going to die alone, make a Disney princess who in fact doesn't get a prince to kiss her to wake her from her enduced slumber from the evil witch, but she dies. Simple as that. She's dead, no cats no filthy birds she DIES ALONE.

-L

*This fact is highly incorrect, but literally Japanese Samuraisdid, NOW that’s a true fact google it, just well not China! LOL