To My Future Husband -R

The other day a friend of mine was telling me how weird I am for my complete lack of motivation to hunt out a boyfriend. I beg to disagree, and not just because I am a firm supporter of cat-ladies everywhere, but mostly because I just don't see the need to chain myself to some poor boy's ankle like some girls tend to do. Not just that though, it's also because I REALLY don't want to throw myself at the first somewhat reasonable male that I see, and then discover that he's (god forbid) a morning person, or he insists on being in the driver's seat, or he wants seventeen children or something equally distressing. There's a lot of fish in the sea, you know? I guess my plan is to catch as many as I can, give them a kiss and throw them back, until I find one that turns into a prince.
But even a prince might snore really loudly, so I've compiled a list of necessary qualities for my future husband to posess. I'd like to point out that I imagine Channing Tatum ticks practically every box, so once I lure him to a wedding ceremony we can forget about all of this, but it's unwise not to have a back up plan, so this is a checklist for every other fish in the sea.


My future husband must:

• Be making enough money to support the both of us.
  
I ain’t no gold digger. I’ll have my own job and the plan is that I will be worth a small fortune myself. But my hubby’s paycheck will probably go towards a house and food etc etc, whereas my own money will be spent on further expanding my shoe collection.
• Share my love for nachos
  
I’m not going to exaggerate, but nachos are my favourite thing in life. If he’s kinky then I would NOT be against covering him in salsa and cheese and guacamole because I can see the merits of this, it would be sooooo much better than the boring old ‘chocolate sauce’ game that everybody plays. Seriously though.
• NOT share my love for cherryripe pods

  Nachos is a “sharing is caring” kind of food, but cherry ripe pods are not. I could eat like ten packets of these babies. I’m not a monster, he can have maybe 3-4 pods out of each packet, but NO MORE. While I’m lingering on the food topic, it would also be great if he liked things coloured orange because I hate that shit. Orange jellybeans, orange starburst, any orange lolly really. These always pose a huge dilemma for me when I’m eating any packet of lollies because I HATE the colour orange omg.

• Have buff arms

  This is the biggest must of anything I can think of. If you don’t have arm muscles then who the fuck are you?! This is exactly the reason that my imaginary relationship with Orlando Bloom has so many holes in it. Things would never work out between us. You need huge arm muscles for many activities. Opening the lids of really tough jars? How you gonna accomplish that if your arms look like twigs? Carry me around? I’m not saying “carry me up the stairs to the bedroom,” I’m saying, “I’m lazy as fuck and it would be great if you carried me to every destination I ever want to go to. Oh we need groceries? Hmm I don’t feel like driving 10km to the store, would you mind carrying me there? I wanna go to the gym. Can you run on the treadmill on my behalf while holding me in your arms so that I can feel like I’m accomplishing something? THANKS BABE <3"

• Make me feel good about myself.

  I’ll make you feel good about yourself I promise. Especially on the aforementioned arms thing because I literally have zero upper body strength and I cannot do a single pushup. Like seriously one of my friends tried to train me to do a pushup so he took me to the swimming pool and got me lifting those foam weights that old ladies use, and I couldn’t do it. I promise to make you feel tough and masculine when you look at my scrawny pathetic weakness, as long as, in return, you tell me I’m a wonderful driver, and always notice when my hair is really silky, and maybe OCCASIONALLY loosen the lids of jars in secret so that I can open them myself and feel super strong as well. I think I’m spitting in the face of feminism right now and making myself look hopeless and pitiable but then I think that maybe I just am hopeless and pitiable so that’s alright.
• Never criticize my eating habits

  When I chew with my mouth open you will SMILE and think “oh she’s so cute!” and that is FINAL.
• Do cute romantic shit

  This isn’t actually something I’m overly fussed about, but I definitely feel that one of the biggest advantages of not being single would be rubbing it in the faces of other people. Soooo I dunno, you don’t have to actually DO heaps of cute romantic shit in reality, I guess we could just sit together and think up some fake romantic shit for me to TELL other girls that you did and I imagine that would also suit me just fine.
• Accept that I’m the more hilarious one.

  Look if you’re really funny then I guess this point is void. But let’s face it, the chances of that are RATHER slim.
• Know when to walk on eggshells.
  
I’m warning you that if I truly think you’re wonderful I will without a doubt act like some crazy obsessed octopus and wrap my tentacles around your throat in love. But this is a ONE WAY STREET and I swear that if turn that shit on me out I’ll get a restraining order on you (unless you’re Channing Tatum, in which case GO FOR YOUR LIFE!). But seriously, I do all of this stuff in jest and I think I’m hilarious but I’m Joking which is the point; I’m allowed to act like a creep because I’m being funny and it gives me stuff to blog about if I get desperate. But YOU need to know when to walk away, when to let me win a fight, when to play hard to get, when to play easy to get, when to compliment me extra, when to buy me gifts ETC ETC ETC. Basically if you’re a mind reader that would be great?

LAST QUALIFICATION: I’ve shown this picture before but it’s something I’m very passionate about

So far in my life I’ve met a fair few two-out-of-threes, quite a score of one-out-of-threes and TOO MANY zero-out-of-threes (because I seem to have the luck of somebody who’s broken about a billion mirrors in their lifetime.) Three-out-of-threes are few and far between and I have met very few (and if watching them on the screen doesn’t count as ‘meeting,‘ then I’ve met ever fewer. Sob). My future husband WILL be a three-out-of-three.
So if you feel that you fit the criteria please express your interest in the comments section below, and attach a resume too please, and tell me where you’re gonna take me for our first date? I'll get back to you if and only if my plans with Channing Tatum fall through.


xoxo -R