Exam-time is making me crazy -R

I'm no expert on world-wide education, but I'm imagining many of you are approaching exam-time. It's a stressful time of year, because you're about to be categorized into 'success' or 'failure,' even though we can all tell that the failures are the ones still appearing at night clubs around the city even with only 2 weeks till exams starts (says the girl who hasn't been able to walk this week after refusing to stop dancing on Saturday night FML).
I realized that my complete inability to give up the partying scene and study for a couple of weeks is kind of justified though. Maybe not justified exactly. But exams are making me crazy. I can't stop thinking about math. I guess I got a bit retarded on the weekend because I legit starting thinking I was a number, and I thought that every time I pumped my fist in the air I was growing into a bigger number. And I distinctly recall trying to calculate the equation of the line the bus was taking on the way home and saying to my friends "I can't solve it!" and then when they gave me looks of confusion, "Oh my god I'm thinking about math again guys! HELP ME." So at least I'm thinking about my schoolwork like all the time, right?

I wanted to give you guys some tips on surviving exam time, and hopefully in reading them you'll realise that they're shit tips and think up better ones of your own, but here goes.

• First off, you do have exams coming up, right?
  If so, congratulations on being part of the educated segment of our society (this comment is designed purely to piss off a bunch of tradeys and cabinet makers. Calm down guys we totally love your work.)

• Now, have you made yourself an exam time-table?
  Exam timetables can be great reminders because any time that you wonder what you should be doing today, you just look at it and know that the only answer is 'study'! Forget a social life! Forget sleeping! Forget feeding the cat! YOU MUST STUDY.
  The most successful exam time-tables look something like this:
  
  And hopefully nothing like this:
     

• Think positively.Exams can bring on bouts of depression in even the brightest sparks. It's important to keep your cool and most importantly, keep a smile on your dial! I've compiled a list of positive thoughts for your benefit, in case the pre-exam-grumpy's have already hit you and you can't think up any of your own. If all else fails just try adding the word "yay" to the end of any sentence and speak with blinding enthusiasm.
• "If I pass my exams really well, I can go get super drunk to celebrate. Yay!"
• "If I don't pass my exams well, at least I know that all the smart kids will be off getting drunk in celebration, so by the time they've killed half their brain cells I'll be as smart as them anyway. Yay!"
• "If I fail my exams, I can throw education aside and start plotting world domination with my army of giraffes. Yay!"
• "I will never have to sit in math class and wonder why the fuck anybody would buy that many bananas, and why they wouldn't calculate the cost by putting them on the scales like a regular person. Yay!"
• "I will never have to wear pants again!!!! YAAYYYY!!!!

Alright unfortunately the last one was wishful thinking. But it's still positive thinking nonetheless, let's not forget that.

• Give yourself breaks.
  No point trying to cram allllllllllll that information into that tiiiinnnyyyyyy little brain of yours (don't be offended, own it.) You need breaks. I like to give myself about a one hour break for every ten minutes of study but it's up to you to figure out what works best.

• Find a way to gain sympathy from everybody around you
  I know this because I've been studying human behavior for the last couple of weeks and I have noticed the vast number of people acting like assholes and then blaming it on "exam stress." So this is apparently a perfectly legitimate excuse and I'll admit I've adopted it myself. You could spin it a few different ways. Here are some examples.
  Example One: Stand outside a pet store wailing loudly until somebody asks you what's wrong. Explain to them that somebody ran over your puppy that morning and you're sooooooo stressed about losing your best friend right before exams. With any luck, you could score a new puppy! YAY!
  Example Two: Enter a liquor store and demand that they aid you in stealing every drop of alcohol in the store. If you get caught by the police, avoid the court case by pleading insanity due to exam stress! YAY! 

• Get yourself a jingle.
  Did you guys learn about jingles? Those catchy songs that you hear for the first time and think, "Man that is TOO LAME," and fifteen minutes later you have a crazed look in your eye as you frantically dial that 1800- number and scream into the telephone "I NEED THE NIMBUS 2000 VACCUM CLEANER AND I NEED IT NOW!!!" Nope alright maybe that one's just me, but still you probably know how catchy those tunes can get. You can make this work for you. Please listen to the following video recording and make this your brain's theme song for the rest of the year. Wooo!
  
  (If the link doesn't work, click here)
• Last but not least, just breath.
  You've already proven that you're an intelligent individual by reading this blog post! Also, with all of these brilliant tips, you're bound to ace your exams! Good luck babes!
  (P.S that was a test, I spelled breathe wrong. You're all doomed.)

-Love R xoxo