To my future Son/Daughter - L

To my future Son/Daughter

Alright, so I hope to GOD you're not going to be a baby/toddler reading this unless of course I'm super rich and bought you some sweet ass Leap Frog shit and you're so smart right now, or unless I marry/get inpregnated by a genius the chances of you being super smart at say five years old are zilch, Sorry about that!
Actually, what if your like a prodogy or something? Oh, okay let's clear this up if you can play Bethoven on our grand piano at 5 stop reading, or if you're like a normal kid and take your dick out at the kitchen table, please by all means keep reading haha No... I'm kidding you cant read!!!
This would just be a bunch of black squiggles if you're the one who gets naked at dinner! But either way if you're my son/daughter and you can play Betoven at 5, FUCK YOU! It took me 12 years to learn how to tie my own fucking shoes and I didn't realize my two times tables went up by twos until pre-teens.

Ok, Ok let me re-do this!
This letter is about how you were made, so at least can you have pubes before you read this?

1ST AMENDMENT: YOU WILL RECEIVE AND READ THIS LETTER WHEN YOU SPROUT PUBES

My Future Son/Daughter,

Congratulations on your pubes!
I'd say I hate you by now and I'm really not impressed at what you will/have done to my vagina walls. They say it's repairable and bounces right back but everyone knows it's never the same! So, Thanks for that.
Put it this way I'll have the body of Victoria's Secret model and the vagina of my University room mate. (lol) Hi Emily :)

Enough of that. The reason I am writing this letter is in case I die or I am not very "connected" with you, I find it a lot easier to write. I  swear to God if I've divorced your father I'm gonna' be so pissed or if you like your dad more than me, I'm gonna' go all Shutter Island mum on you and drown you all at our luxurious lake house, (lolsies again, good movie yeah? 10/10 that bits fucked though couldn't sleep for awhile there!)

I'm pretty damn sure I'm the best Mum ever so I guess I don't have to worry about your dad being a better parent than me!
I'm gonna' let you do like litereally all the shit you want, HAHAHHAHAA I'm so fucking kidding I'm gonna' seriously fuck you over, you're going to be that kid that goes "Mum said I can't come over". BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE. MINE ALL MINE. I made  YOU from MY Ovaries!
So go back to your chains connected to your room! Why are you out of the chains? Did I let you out so you can read this letter? Cute :)
I'm going to still be breast feeding you until you're Twelve girl or boy!
(Game of Thrones Reference, ew!)
I will also have a leash for you so we never have to be apart. 
(NOOOOO PEOPLE C'MON YOUR BABY ISN'T A DOG, unless your kid is blind or autistic if I see him/her on a leash, I'll kill you! LIKE HELLO JUST BEAT THEM!!! Not that hard people.)


Ok, the birds and the bees- I really don't know the specifics so google/yahoo that shit to learn more if you have to. Do y'all still have google in the future? Guess I'll find out on my own lol. I bet future google is craaaazy rad. But, you were in my tummy and I stopped smoking cigs and that was hard for me and I even stopped drinking which was even harder, so by now you've fucked my life but you formed in me for 9 months and in that time I grew to like you, I guess... (refer to google for details of this growth).

By now you were born (also ruined me). Anyway, the fact you have pubes right now means you're almost a teenager! So here is the real talk homie, DONT bang a woman/man unless you love them okay?!
The point is this: don't have sexual intercourse AT ALL until you are SURELY in love with your partner.  You're prob all like "but Mum why can't we just use protecton?!"
BECAUSE IT SUCKS THAT'S WHY. CONDOMS WERE INVENTED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF, RETARD. YOU CAN'T FEEL A DAMN THING. Don't talk like that in my house/caravan (whatever).
Sorry for calling you a retard.

If you are a girl - I'm sorry but soon you will get this thing were you bleed once a month from your ham wallet (menstruation, google that shit), it's honestly fucked up in some countries women have to move away from their village when they get it for a whole week :(
Your dad just locks me in the basement though, so hopefully soon you can join me yay!

If you are a boy- Unfortunetly I won't be seeing you in the basement once a month:( but you get to get paid higher than women! Isn't that awesome!
You're going to get a lot of feelings and emotions towards women or men please be men, please be men... which will make you want to touch them... DON'T.
JUST DON'T! Can you just not have any form of sex until like 21?! or like 18 I don't want people thinking you're a loser... so yeah 18... This does not stand for if I have a girl you'll still be in chains because no man will ever touch you unless he sells me 5 decent sized cows for the usage of your bodess. (lol)

I will perform weekly computer history checks and no one from the opposite sex can enter our house until the ages of now (pube sprouting) until mmm... until you get married! 
I've also attached softporn sites on the back of the letter, AND I BETTER SEE SOME CRUSTY SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY, YA FEEL ME? (To the boy).
No in all honesty, I look forward to our warm embraces, your first words, first teeth, first bike ride and your dad rustling your blonde/brown/black/red* hair at the breakfast table (*in case of red hair, this letter would have been delivered by your foster parents).

You're almost an adult now. You need to start making your own decisions so don't fuck this up !
(congrats again on the pubes sweetie pie).


Love always, Mummy.