My time in prison. -L

Late last night, whilst maybe possibly under some slight influence of POISON (aka alcohol), I was arrested. That shifty female officer was clearly just trying to impress her male co-workers ... 
My personal belief is that she was just jelly of my hair.. or face... or maybe she just wanted to feel me up. I mean I wasnt even that drunk! I had shoes on, was coherent, I hadn't raped or killed anybody that I knew of... what more did she want from me?
Yeah she gave me a warning but I or no one else took her seriously, she's a women police officer for crying out loud.


Okay okay, Obviously I was shiiiittt faced. Fine. But surely after a night in prison I deserved a little sympathy.
When I got home I slept for 14 hours straight. A need for sustenance roused me from my slumber, but just as I pulled a delicious meat pie from the microwave and coated it in sweet tomato sauce, my dad confiscated it, forbidding all forms of food as part of my punishment. WHAT?! Noooo.
That is like sticking a coat hanger up me and ripping a baby from my uterus! Just painful and unnecessary


The most distressing part about going to jail was when they confiscated my lolly bracelet. I cannot think of a single situation where such blatant theft is excusable.

Anyway I'm a seasoned prison bird now.
 So I thought I would share some tips on how to pass the time in a prison cell;

• Clean the cell. That's what I did. Whatever you do though do NOT touch the toilet that is NOT okay. And if you find that you need to use the toilet REFRAIN because you will probably contract HIV or siffilus. The safest and only course of action is to wet yourself.

• Click the speaker on and pratend you're talking to Big Brother and tell him you want to be evicted for two points.

• Try pulling your hair out strand by strand until you're bald.

• Smash your face on the wall a few times until you bleed or die, or possibly a security guard tries to stop you at which point you should lasso his keys with a lasso that you have pre-fashioned from your shoelaces.

• Masterbate.

• Treat the officers with little or no respect because regardless of the fact that they're JUST doing their job, they have LOCKED you in a cell and you are furious with rage but mainly because they took your lolly bracelet. Fuck you. 

• Stare at the the camera without shutting your eyes to make them think that you're the creepy girl off The Ring and you'll probably come at them in the night.

• Cry like a small child to make the guards think that you're innocent whilst secretly plotting an ingenious escape

I know that these tips and tricks will be extremely beneficial to many of you. <3

-L