Dating Disasters -L

Disclaimer; First off, I'm going to give my ex's a bit of a brutal wrap so if you are say... an ex of mine I just want to say,

"I really am not writting this to go out of my way to offend you."

lol jokes...
GOOO FUUUUUCKKK YOURSSELLVESSSSSS!

Ex Girlfriend #1Alright, so who here has ever dated a French girl? No-one? Let me give you a little bit of insight about these frog/snail/dick eating monsters function.
They don't like to, oh I dont know, say, SHAVE... anywhere! Like fuuucck me, get a grip France it'll take five minutes out of your frog eating day.
I could convince you of many reasons to hate the French, but I think it's practically considered a worldwide sport anyway so hopefully you guys are playing too. Fuck you, France. Says the girl who has learnt French for six years :( Va te faire foutre!

Liking girls is a phase I go through. Too often. But less often after this particular encounter.
Anywho she was from Fake France. She lived on an island nowhere near France. In fact I'm fairly sure the only thing French about New Caledonia is they just happen to speak French, everything else is that of a third world country.

I went overseas to visit her and I thought it would be a great idea to take my male best friend of the time to meet my girlfriend and keep me sane among a sea of Frog People.
We spent a month there and within that month, I had broken up with my GF after she got jelly of me dancing with a guy at a night club so she just macked on with some random berre wearing breadstick eating fuck! HELLO HYPOCRITE.
I probably dumped her over facebook though. Didn't say anything. Just changed my relationship stat to single. You know how it is. Don't like confrontations with clingy bitches. She locked herself in her room and cried while my friend and I went fishing with her dad.
ANYWAY that was all sweet and we were still friends n' shit and she even came to Australia to visit! Wait did you think I meant to visit me? Nooooo sorry she came to visit my BEST FRIEND who I introduced her to. Wait did you think I meant to visit him? Noooo sorry she actually came to fuck him. Wait what you read it right that time! she had S E X with him!
What made it even worse was that when I finally found out it turned out that everybody else already knew.
"Oh L, we thought you knew?!" NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT MY EX FUCKED MY BESTFRIEND!
Would I be sitting her sanely if I knew that you fucking dumbasses?
This is even better though: When I found out, she tried harassing me, and insulted me for thinking that she would do "something like that." Unbeknownst to her, my 'best friend' had already told me the truth. Anybody got a noose? No but really, it was mildly amusing hearing her lies.
So this is where my deteste for little French girls started. Maybe she wasn't my girlfriend when she fucked him, but if she just tried a little harder to not be a 12 year old slut, I would of jumped on her dick in a heart beat - so to speak. Pity once a slut always a slut. She really was just a darn right slutty mcslut slut. If you went into a brothel and asked for her name they'd come out with a huge dick and insert it right into you.






Ex Boyfriend Number #1This wasn't a real relationships, more of a friends with benefits kind of arrangement. At least I think that's what it was for him. Personally I was ready to settle down and have babies with him but whatevs.
Picture a crack addict or coke junky or something. Now picture someone a little worse than that. Let's just say he's the type of guy who would inject speed into his eyeballs and would be seen on a 100m pole dancing naked at a Music Festival.
You think I'm joking, because that's funny, right? I'm not, there's footage of him doing that...
So my relationship with this fellow started the same as any; being shoved into him at a nightclub and and adding one another on facebook. *Romantic!*
I thought he was a major freak at first and he had a huge nose too, but he was just so funny and charming and I wasn't aware of the drug factor yet either.

One night, after texting him to ask what he was doing and getting no reponse, my housemate decided to take me on a movie date instead. The cinema was packed but I finally found somewhere to sit with my LARGE popcorn and LARKE coke, ready to drown and eat the pain of my lover's rejection away.
This really attractive blonde girl came to sit beside me and I won't lie I might have been checking her out!The guy with her was wearing this pink shoes that totally reminded me of my guy's shoes. Looking closer, I noticed he was wearing this fluro pink shorts EXACTLY LIKE HIS. Seriously everything reminded me of him! Looking closer I noticed that they even had the same face!
...WAIT HANG ON WTF! It was him with another girl!
So what did I do you ask? What any girl would do, of course! Balled my freaking eyes out.
I made my roomate carry my LARGE popcorn and LARGE coke so I didnt look like a fatty squeezing past him and his whore. At the end of the movie my roomate confronted him. Turns out he'd been rooting atleast 5-6 girls whilst seeing me.
So what did I do next? With my huge ego I tried to MAKE him like me. Every time I saw him out I would display an extravagant mating call of sexual dancing. One time I did this cute as fuck and not even creepy thing, where I followed him home drunk...
Look, he was a bit of a babe and was super dooper funny and it pains me that it's been two months since I last sent a friend request to him and he hasnt accepted... but in the long run I should think if we were to have babies it would be really hard for me becuase I dont want my baby having a bigger nose than it's dick.




Ex Boyfriend #2
This ones a bit sensitive, so I need to butter him up a bit in case he reads this;
Remember how you cheated on your next girlfriend, with me... was totes the best sex ever and that was deffs a real orgasm and umm I'll always love you. Ok done.


He was my high school sweetheart. <3 So I thought I'd share some of our sweet, romantic conversations.

HIM- "Why do you put so much make up on?"ME- "cos' I need it"

HIM- "HA, that is soooo true!"

HIM- "If I got anyone pregant I'd kill myself, and if I got you pregnant I'd kill myself even more"

HIM- "yeah, so I only hugged you at night becuase I was cold, not actually because I wanted to"

HIM- "You're skinnier than my ex girlfriend"ME- "Aw, Thank you, but she has a prettier face"*PAUSE*
HIM- "Oh shit was I meant to say no she doesn't?"

My personal favourite:
One time after sex he whispered  "I will never love you."

HIM watching me put make up on intently "You have a monobrow"
ME- "Thanks, no really..."
HIM-"Ergh and a mustache..."

Once we were having a conversation about something I study at university and I shared my educated opinion with him.

HIM- "You are the dumbest cunt I've ever met."

....really? 
This is the part where I refrain from insulting his career choice. Cabinet maker.
Are you curious as to why he dumped me? It was because I'm a condescending bitch.
Did we just read the same thing or was he not a fucking wanker?
 I mean I'm perfect.No, but on a serious note I can honestly say I looooooooooooved him more then anyone, even if most of his nasty shit was said after we broke up, I would still have done anything for him! (Yuck, one of those girls)
 I guess it's true 'treat em' mean keep em' keen' or my personal fav "treat em' rough get the muff'
I now realize that if you love someone and they throw it in your face as hard as it is LET THEM GOOOOOOOO. I'll totes council you through it with watching copious amounts of the movie He's Just Not That Into You! P.S. I was joking about it being a real orgasm... ;)



In conclusion, I would like to offer a piece of advice that I have learnt: Ahem: DONT be yourself, because you're probably not a very lovable person. Change as much about yourself as possible.
That is the only way you will ever find 'true love'. ;)

-L