2 days in the life of 2 alcoholics -R

Approximately 99% of people who I've mentioned this blog to, assume that we are raging alcoholics (which is probably quite true), and everybody says that they look forward to Sunday/Monday posts describing the weekend.

Anyway for some ungodly reason I am awake at almost midnight, and I thought, why recover from my many injuries by sleeping when I could relive them through writing about them?!

Our plan for last night was as follows:

• Quiet night in
• Get lots of sleep
• Wake feeling refreshed and enthusiastic about life.

What actually happened:

• Drove to a party and got drunker than anticipated and then went clubbing
• Got little/no sleep
• Woke up hating life.

I thought I would list the best and most memorable aspects of the night and since our hangovers tend to be at least as amusing as our drunken shenanigans, I've included some from the following day for your enjoyment.

1. When we arrived at the party L realised that she had forgotten to bring/wear a bra.
2. After arriving at the party we went outside for a smoke by the fire. Suddenly (a wild snorlax appeared?! No. Wait welll actually...?) this really fat girl started excitedly telling L that she had pictures of them making out from the weekend before. CUTE GUYS.
3. I found out that the guy I pick up every time I go to this particular nightclub is considered a freak in most social circles.
4. So we probably might have put on our English accents again. I was outside and this girl started talking to me about my accent and I gave her our background story etc.
   Then suddenly her friend looks at me and goes "she puts on accents at the pubs so that boys will buy her drinks." Needless to say I was MORTIFIED. How the fuck did that bitch manage to blow my cover?!?!?! I was deciding whether I should make a joke out of it or just bail and run, when the girl I was talking to starting telling me about how many guys bought her drinks when she put on her accent. How fully awkward that I thought her friend was talking about me. How fully awkward we both do the same thing, is that pathetic?
5. Wore my hair in two really cute braids which L took advantage of by pushing me to the ground in the middle of the nightclub and humping my face and pulling my braids and screaming "HEADJOB HANDLES!"
6. That happened 3 times.
7. When L was doing her headjob handles rape shit and a group of people forcibly dragged her off me. Thanks guys, for putting a temporary end to the humiliation. At least until her next attempt.
8. We brought people back to the house we were staying at and I literally slept in the hallway and somebody stepped on me :(
9. I have a huge unidentified cut upon my knee and also every part of my body hurts and I dont know why, did I get in a punch-on last night? Was I possibly hit by a car? Did somebody drop a piano onto my body? 
10. Literally almost ending our friendship because L punched me in the vagina and so I teased her about failing her driving test as a metaphorical punch to the box.
11. Driving home the next day and somehow managing to pull up at an intersection directly beside the guy that L hooked up with the night before.
12. Playing soccer after about 2 hours sleep, CAN YOU IMAGINE?!
13. Me throwing up in the toilets at soccer at half time and finding out that there was another person in the room when I get asked, "Um ... are you okay?"
14. The guy L hooked up with came to soccer while we were sitting on the benches watching the next game and he had 3 kids with him and I gave him this face:
    
15. ....Until he finally reached us and we realised it wasn't him. Sorry stranger.
16. We befriended the stranger's kids and they were adorable and we were really good friends until the little girl said, "we're laughing at you," which felt like a stab in the back, what a little bitch.
17. Getting home and eating nachos on the couch and watching Parks & Rec at 3pm and both saying "Wow I'm not even tired, we only slept 2 hours last night but I feel fine!"
18. ...Waking up 3 hours later. Realising that we had been transformed into zombies at some point during our slumber :(

-R

If I was a boy -L

If I were a boy;
So let's face it, things always appear to be so much greener on the other side, and it got me thinking, "what would I do if one day I woke with XY chromosomes?"

1. I would totally hit the gym and inject steroids into my leg so I'd be buff & manly as possible.

2. I would sit in the sun for atleast 4 hours a day so I'd be black and my sexy muscles would be extremely noticeable.

3. Pick up some easy chick and have my filthy manly way with her, then drop her home and never talk to her again. Repeat x65,000 & not contract diseases!

4. I would wear a white T-shirt to a water park... Or just tip water all over a white shirt.
ACTUALLY no I would NEVER WEAR a shirt. EVERRRR!

5. I wouldn't wear heels out and I would rip up the dance floor with ease and also have no problems walking home.

6. I would only own three pair of shoes that will suffice for 10 years.

7. I would take advantage of only having to shave one place (my face)... Or would I shave down there, do they? Um.

8. Open all my own jars with ease and not have to ask my dad or smash it to get the salsa out for nachos!

9. I could change like 40 tyres in a row.
I would do a burn out and "paint" the road with my sick skids.

10. I would grow a sick mustache and use it to cheese-grate girls faces when I kiss them.

11. I would personally go out of my way to see what it's like to be kicked in the dick (what's all the fuss about!?)

12. I would get addicted to COD or counter strike to see what its like to sit there for 5 hours straight!

13. Beat off in a sock. 

14. Beat off in the shower.

15. Beat off in my bed.

16. Actually I would just beat off two, three, four (million) times a day!!!

17. I would beat off in a banana.

18. I would beat of in a grape fruit...

19. I would beat off in all types of fruit!!! Ergh...Okay I'll stop.

20. Get a blow job.

21. I would have a 'wet' dream. 50 Shades Of Grey suggests that this is possible for girls but I am a girl and thoroughly unaware of this biological possibiliy to date.
P.S. That book is like The Human Centipede -everybody tells you to read it and never mentions how much you will regret it. I'm a pretty darn sexual person and that book GROSSED ME OUT.

22. I would not never get pregnant whilst I bang as many bitches as possible.

23. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a orgasm.

24. Touch/Shift my junk in public without a thought as to how improper it may appear to others.

25. I would eat so much and not have to worry about it going to my fat ass.

26. I would grab a chicks ass and not have to worry about her being like "wtf?" Cos bitches love it.

I'm fucking kidding boys can you BACK OFF, my ass is not your stress ball okay?!

27. I would get heaps drunk at family gatherings and still be respected by the family :(

28. I would punch another man in the face and look and feel  really masculine.

29. I would rub my leg hairs.

30. I would ride bmx or motocross with no fear.

31. Have no feelings/emotions.

But the number one thing I would do if I were a boy would be... Refer to number 20.   Get a BJ so I could officially say "suck my dick" and mean it in a literal sense.

-L

Dating Disasters -L

Disclaimer; First off, I'm going to give my ex's a bit of a brutal wrap so if you are say... an ex of mine I just want to say,

"I really am not writting this to go out of my way to offend you."

lol jokes...
GOOO FUUUUUCKKK YOURSSELLVESSSSSS!

Ex Girlfriend #1Alright, so who here has ever dated a French girl? No-one? Let me give you a little bit of insight about these frog/snail/dick eating monsters function.
They don't like to, oh I dont know, say, SHAVE... anywhere! Like fuuucck me, get a grip France it'll take five minutes out of your frog eating day.
I could convince you of many reasons to hate the French, but I think it's practically considered a worldwide sport anyway so hopefully you guys are playing too. Fuck you, France. Says the girl who has learnt French for six years :( Va te faire foutre!

Liking girls is a phase I go through. Too often. But less often after this particular encounter.
Anywho she was from Fake France. She lived on an island nowhere near France. In fact I'm fairly sure the only thing French about New Caledonia is they just happen to speak French, everything else is that of a third world country.

I went overseas to visit her and I thought it would be a great idea to take my male best friend of the time to meet my girlfriend and keep me sane among a sea of Frog People.
We spent a month there and within that month, I had broken up with my GF after she got jelly of me dancing with a guy at a night club so she just macked on with some random berre wearing breadstick eating fuck! HELLO HYPOCRITE.
I probably dumped her over facebook though. Didn't say anything. Just changed my relationship stat to single. You know how it is. Don't like confrontations with clingy bitches. She locked herself in her room and cried while my friend and I went fishing with her dad.
ANYWAY that was all sweet and we were still friends n' shit and she even came to Australia to visit! Wait did you think I meant to visit me? Nooooo sorry she came to visit my BEST FRIEND who I introduced her to. Wait did you think I meant to visit him? Noooo sorry she actually came to fuck him. Wait what you read it right that time! she had S E X with him!
What made it even worse was that when I finally found out it turned out that everybody else already knew.
"Oh L, we thought you knew?!" NO I DID NOT KNOW THAT MY EX FUCKED MY BESTFRIEND!
Would I be sitting her sanely if I knew that you fucking dumbasses?
This is even better though: When I found out, she tried harassing me, and insulted me for thinking that she would do "something like that." Unbeknownst to her, my 'best friend' had already told me the truth. Anybody got a noose? No but really, it was mildly amusing hearing her lies.
So this is where my deteste for little French girls started. Maybe she wasn't my girlfriend when she fucked him, but if she just tried a little harder to not be a 12 year old slut, I would of jumped on her dick in a heart beat - so to speak. Pity once a slut always a slut. She really was just a darn right slutty mcslut slut. If you went into a brothel and asked for her name they'd come out with a huge dick and insert it right into you.






Ex Boyfriend Number #1This wasn't a real relationships, more of a friends with benefits kind of arrangement. At least I think that's what it was for him. Personally I was ready to settle down and have babies with him but whatevs.
Picture a crack addict or coke junky or something. Now picture someone a little worse than that. Let's just say he's the type of guy who would inject speed into his eyeballs and would be seen on a 100m pole dancing naked at a Music Festival.
You think I'm joking, because that's funny, right? I'm not, there's footage of him doing that...
So my relationship with this fellow started the same as any; being shoved into him at a nightclub and and adding one another on facebook. *Romantic!*
I thought he was a major freak at first and he had a huge nose too, but he was just so funny and charming and I wasn't aware of the drug factor yet either.

One night, after texting him to ask what he was doing and getting no reponse, my housemate decided to take me on a movie date instead. The cinema was packed but I finally found somewhere to sit with my LARGE popcorn and LARKE coke, ready to drown and eat the pain of my lover's rejection away.
This really attractive blonde girl came to sit beside me and I won't lie I might have been checking her out!The guy with her was wearing this pink shoes that totally reminded me of my guy's shoes. Looking closer, I noticed he was wearing this fluro pink shorts EXACTLY LIKE HIS. Seriously everything reminded me of him! Looking closer I noticed that they even had the same face!
...WAIT HANG ON WTF! It was him with another girl!
So what did I do you ask? What any girl would do, of course! Balled my freaking eyes out.
I made my roomate carry my LARGE popcorn and LARGE coke so I didnt look like a fatty squeezing past him and his whore. At the end of the movie my roomate confronted him. Turns out he'd been rooting atleast 5-6 girls whilst seeing me.
So what did I do next? With my huge ego I tried to MAKE him like me. Every time I saw him out I would display an extravagant mating call of sexual dancing. One time I did this cute as fuck and not even creepy thing, where I followed him home drunk...
Look, he was a bit of a babe and was super dooper funny and it pains me that it's been two months since I last sent a friend request to him and he hasnt accepted... but in the long run I should think if we were to have babies it would be really hard for me becuase I dont want my baby having a bigger nose than it's dick.




Ex Boyfriend #2
This ones a bit sensitive, so I need to butter him up a bit in case he reads this;
Remember how you cheated on your next girlfriend, with me... was totes the best sex ever and that was deffs a real orgasm and umm I'll always love you. Ok done.


He was my high school sweetheart. <3 So I thought I'd share some of our sweet, romantic conversations.

HIM- "Why do you put so much make up on?"ME- "cos' I need it"

HIM- "HA, that is soooo true!"

HIM- "If I got anyone pregant I'd kill myself, and if I got you pregnant I'd kill myself even more"

HIM- "yeah, so I only hugged you at night becuase I was cold, not actually because I wanted to"

HIM- "You're skinnier than my ex girlfriend"ME- "Aw, Thank you, but she has a prettier face"*PAUSE*
HIM- "Oh shit was I meant to say no she doesn't?"

My personal favourite:
One time after sex he whispered  "I will never love you."

HIM watching me put make up on intently "You have a monobrow"
ME- "Thanks, no really..."
HIM-"Ergh and a mustache..."

Once we were having a conversation about something I study at university and I shared my educated opinion with him.

HIM- "You are the dumbest cunt I've ever met."

....really? 
This is the part where I refrain from insulting his career choice. Cabinet maker.
Are you curious as to why he dumped me? It was because I'm a condescending bitch.
Did we just read the same thing or was he not a fucking wanker?
 I mean I'm perfect.No, but on a serious note I can honestly say I looooooooooooved him more then anyone, even if most of his nasty shit was said after we broke up, I would still have done anything for him! (Yuck, one of those girls)
 I guess it's true 'treat em' mean keep em' keen' or my personal fav "treat em' rough get the muff'
I now realize that if you love someone and they throw it in your face as hard as it is LET THEM GOOOOOOOO. I'll totes council you through it with watching copious amounts of the movie He's Just Not That Into You! P.S. I was joking about it being a real orgasm... ;)



In conclusion, I would like to offer a piece of advice that I have learnt: Ahem: DONT be yourself, because you're probably not a very lovable person. Change as much about yourself as possible.
That is the only way you will ever find 'true love'. ;)

-L

Things I regret doing whilst drunk -R

• Giving my phone number to strangers.
  For some reason alcohol puts thoughts into my head like ‘What is privacy? Surely nothing important” and I get overly generous with my personal details. This leads to a lot of conversations like this:
  Since when did I want to go to the snow with a stranger? I dont even know how to sew? WHO DA FUQ IS THIS?
  See how his hope fades towards the end? Love is cruel. Drunken love is crueler.
• Putting on an English accent.
  This is something dear to myself and coblogger L. The first night we discovered our ‘drunken inner English’ things went quite gloriously. We had many drinks bought for us that night and everybody wanted to talk to us and attention is nice, innit? The trouble is, we tend to drink frequently at the same location, and now everytime we go there we’re FORCED to put on our English accents or otherwise admit to our admiring friends that we’ve been lying to them for the duration of our friendship, which might rock the boat a bit.
  P.S. If you ever meet a pair of cousins from Essex, home of Russell Brand, who are a little bit shifty on the details of their stay; Congratulations, you’ve found us.
• Eating
  Waking up the next morning and discovering the skeleton of a cow on the kitchen bench and realising that you slaughtered a beast and picked it’s bones clean of flesh. That didn’t really happen but we DID once find 4 empty Grand Angus Burger boxes, which is practically the same thing. I sometimes wonder if this is my subconscious telling me that it'd be really sick if we went on The Biggest Loser.
• Being in photographs.
  The exception to this is the pictures you take BEFORE you start drinking. But I really wish I would take those and then stop, because that way I could preserve the image of a girl with her makeup freshly applied, still white eyed and smiling pleasantly for the camera. The images that follow generally tell a different tale ... *omg is that a nipple?!!?! :(*
• Sending texts to the wrong person.
  This one time, my friend and I took a picture of ourselves doing that spitting thing from Big Daddy, I know that’s pretty gross, but really it was hilarious. Anyway I sent it to my friend but I was a bit sloshed and somehow ‘friend’ got mixed up with ‘mother’ under my contacts and I gather she took it to be something dirty because she wasn’t overly impressed the next time I saw her ... which was coincidentally the same night after one of my friends rang her to drive me home ...
• Dancing.
  I don’t know about you guys but I dance like Shakira, it’s like super dooper sexy and I have the magical power to do weird womanly things with my hips and also refer to my boobs every five minutes whilst I’m singing, but it’s totally okay because I’m SEXY and STILL TOTALLY RESPECTABLE. I’m seriously joking. When I’m drunk I dance like a trashy whore and my breasts are also not "small and humble," damn you Shakira you classy bitch.
• The opposite sex. I have really bad eyesight. This means a lot of things for me. I can never become a pilot; I will frequently pass the ball to the wrong team whilst playing soccer; Guaranteed to be considered rude whilst squinting at someone to decipher who they are.
  I don't wear my glasses when I go out. Couple my bad eyesight with alcohol and I have a 94% higher chance of winding up dating somebody with a monobrow and a bowl cut.

Despite all of this we mustn't dwell upon the negatives. There are many good things about being drunk, but perhaps I'll save those for another post?


-R

How Girls Fall In Love -R

A step guide to how girls fall in love:


1. Find a moderately attractive male.
This can be achieved through a variety of means. Possibly you could go out and meet somebody at a generic location eg a bar, a petrol station, or in the line at McDonalds. Alternatively (and often preferably) you could just go on one of those rambling facebook stalkathons which lead you to the page of your friend’s ex’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s boyfriend’s mother’s neice’s friend. Stop there.


2. Learn all that you can about the person. Again, you can take your own initiative here. Maybe you could talk to the guy? OR could ask your friend’s ex’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s boyfriend’s mother’s neice about her friend. OR you could stalk their facebook, which includes their pictures, any visible wall posts, and every page that they’ve liked for the last five years.


3. Initiate contact
The safest bet here is to actually ADD them on facebook. That’s basically meeting them. If you want to take it a step further you could stalk them until they check in somewhere and arrive at that location within five minutes and then run into them and then tell him he’s beautiful.


4. Make him tell you he loves you.
Get him drunk. Get him REALLY drunk. Now get him drunker. Now spike his drink. Now get him drunker. Now say “tell me you love me?” If he doesn’t say it then get him some more drinks. You are NOT above putting roofy’s in that shit.


5. Never let go.
Now that your male of choice has declared his emotions (bear in mind that an alcohol inhibited state does not make such a proclamation any less valid), you must never let him forget it. Getting him drunk PRACTICALLY counts as a first date, soooooo you’ve sent him a relationship request right? You ... you haven’t? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???? GET ONTO IT!


6. Never let go.
You love him, he loves you, what more is there to say?


7. Never let go.
He broke up with you? No he didn’t breaking up implies mutual agreement that is a TWO WAY street and that’s NOT how it works, he was awful anyway realistically you could have better relationships with a cat or your shoe collection, NOT that that’s relevant because YOU DID NOT AGREE TO A BREAK UP AND YOU NEVER WILL.


8. Time to get over him.
Find a moderately attractive male (see Step 1.)


-R.

My time in prison. -L

Late last night, whilst maybe possibly under some slight influence of POISON (aka alcohol), I was arrested. That shifty female officer was clearly just trying to impress her male co-workers ... 
My personal belief is that she was just jelly of my hair.. or face... or maybe she just wanted to feel me up. I mean I wasnt even that drunk! I had shoes on, was coherent, I hadn't raped or killed anybody that I knew of... what more did she want from me?
Yeah she gave me a warning but I or no one else took her seriously, she's a women police officer for crying out loud.


Okay okay, Obviously I was shiiiittt faced. Fine. But surely after a night in prison I deserved a little sympathy.
When I got home I slept for 14 hours straight. A need for sustenance roused me from my slumber, but just as I pulled a delicious meat pie from the microwave and coated it in sweet tomato sauce, my dad confiscated it, forbidding all forms of food as part of my punishment. WHAT?! Noooo.
That is like sticking a coat hanger up me and ripping a baby from my uterus! Just painful and unnecessary


The most distressing part about going to jail was when they confiscated my lolly bracelet. I cannot think of a single situation where such blatant theft is excusable.

Anyway I'm a seasoned prison bird now.
 So I thought I would share some tips on how to pass the time in a prison cell;

• Clean the cell. That's what I did. Whatever you do though do NOT touch the toilet that is NOT okay. And if you find that you need to use the toilet REFRAIN because you will probably contract HIV or siffilus. The safest and only course of action is to wet yourself.

• Click the speaker on and pratend you're talking to Big Brother and tell him you want to be evicted for two points.

• Try pulling your hair out strand by strand until you're bald.

• Smash your face on the wall a few times until you bleed or die, or possibly a security guard tries to stop you at which point you should lasso his keys with a lasso that you have pre-fashioned from your shoelaces.

• Masterbate.

• Treat the officers with little or no respect because regardless of the fact that they're JUST doing their job, they have LOCKED you in a cell and you are furious with rage but mainly because they took your lolly bracelet. Fuck you. 

• Stare at the the camera without shutting your eyes to make them think that you're the creepy girl off The Ring and you'll probably come at them in the night.

• Cry like a small child to make the guards think that you're innocent whilst secretly plotting an ingenious escape

I know that these tips and tricks will be extremely beneficial to many of you. <3

-L

Meet . . . US!

So we have decided to start a blog because our friend was showing us a letter that he got from Google for his super-duper-famous blog, and we got a little bit jealous. Because in a mildly uncool and super-nerdish way, that’s incredibly cool.

Also, we’re quite sure that you will love us, because everybody loves funny people and loves laughing at their jokes. As we are ALWAYS laughing at our own jokes we came to the realisation that we must be superbly funny and a true asset to the blogging world.
We’re also full time alcoholics so we have a lot of crazy experiences to document for your benefit.

And we want a goddamn letter, alright? Because who doesn’t like getting mail?!??!

xoxo L & R