Issues with Walt -L

I have this thing where I knit pick movies even magical ones like Harry Potter, he could of used that time machine necklace Hermoine had in Prisner of Azkaban, to go back in time and save all his friends in the end of the books/movies that died and if he fucked it up, HELLO YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE NECKLACE HARRY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FUCK UP, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! How about Lord of the Rings why the shit couldn't  Frodo and Sam ride that giant moth/eagle to Mordor in the first place?!

I know, I know it's about the journey and what not but C'mon...

SO, Disney movies... were my childhood. I'm not talking about that Beverely Hills Chihuhuas 1, 2 and 3! I got down with the classics. Looking for the bare necessities in the Jungle Book. Letting Bambi show me the terrible loss of aloved one and you're god damn right I'll be a various house hold appliance inBeauty and the Beast. But times change. People grow older. The days of begging my mummy to let me watch Snow White before bed have turned into me jerkin' it snorting a Xanax watchin' the Saw movies before bed. The point is my all innocence has gone. My childhood clearly is over. (please note: I have never actually taken Xanax I try my hardest not to live my life like Amy Winehouse).

So, before I master unprotected sexual intercourse with aconsenting male and before I am ready to suffer the consequences of my sinful behaviour and his poor reaction time, well in other words before I have achild, I can only sit back quietly at home by myself and watch and judge and critique these Disney Movies.

First off, fuck your own face Ariel. You got to live in an amazing underwater kingdom and for fucksake your dad is king! and you had likea billion fish slaves.  YOU HAVE A GIANT SEAHORSE CHARIOT!!!  But that is totally not good enough for your skinny mermaid ass, is it? You want to leave all your lusciou ssea creature friends and family to live in a habitat where you literally cannot fucking survive with your god damn fish tail. Oh you want to be part of ourworld? I'll trade you like 1,000 times over. I'll be babin' it in a bikini all day and night  in your marine wonderland riding on dolphins breathing from my gills, while you study at a dead end University, where I'll end up working at McDonalds flicking pickles of windows!  But in your infinite wisdom you say hell yeah and fuck off to land with your shitty legs and beautiful cartoon red hair... seriously first off for you to come to OUR land with YOUR red hair,you're a god damn witch and where the fucks your working visa?

Poor god damn prince Eric didn't sign up for any of this bullshit. After finding you on the beach like the handsome Home and Away reminding character, he took you straight home with intentions of stuffing all of your brand new holes. I get it. You're beautiful, only 16, don't have avoice what's more perfect than a mute woman? AM I RIGHT GENTLEMEN?

 Anyway clearly Ursularuined that by making a wedding with that Prince of yours but you still gate crash the wedding with your filthy bird army and break the spell before Ursula turns into a 90 foot tall octopus and destroys everything. Including the ship the wedding was on BITCH?! The ship Eric's whole family was on! Eric's whole family is dead now. You murdered Eric's family with your selfish curiosity.They were just alive yesterday! BUT NOWWW THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU.

What about Pocahontas and all her bullshit gibberish she's Indian yet she speaks perfectly in tongues in English now doesn’t she;

"Say have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue cornmoon?" if I were John Smith I would have been all like "DUDE! I literally just got here like 2 days ago. You literally saw my ship come in. So no. No I haven't?"  Or 

"asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?"

 Me again; "you know that I haven't done any of this shit, please stop."

"Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?"

 Me: "Fuck, I doubt it, I don't even know what that means?"

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me:  LOOK, just shut the fuck up.

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me: Hey eat this it's called a ruffie, you'll love it.

What about Mulan? Do you remember that one? The sexy Chinese cartoon girl, who goes to battle instead of her dad because of conscription and falls in love with her commander, dude that movie has so many queer undertones...I literally thought she was a boy half the time and did you actually know in China warriors would actually have sex with their protégées anyway?* DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WOULD OF FOUND OUT QUITE QUICKLY ABOUT THE FACT SHE DID NOT HAVE A DICK.

I hate the fact in these movies the main characters could talk to animals and cups and shit, do you even realize how many times I would talk to my pets and cups when I was little and the utter devastation of when they didn’t talk back to me, would literally shatter my heart to pieces. Disney is all like"yay everyone is special if you have a dream" well yeah you know what? Fuck you Disney from your unbelievably un realistic expectations!
IF I were kidnapped today and I was as baben' as Belle was portrayed, FUUUCK NO would the beast have been a seriously cool top bloke... that is rape my friends and she would have been a victim of it! So here's the deal Disney write a classic that isn't a "fairy tale"... What about  the princess is left at the alter? That her prince charming is gay as a rainbow? or how about the princess leaves her prince to perhaps better her career? OR just maybe because we all know I am going to die alone, make a Disney princess who in fact doesn't get a prince to kiss her to wake her from her enduced slumber from the evil witch, but she dies. Simple as that. She's dead, no cats no filthy birds she DIES ALONE.

-L

*This fact is highly incorrect, but literally Japanese Samuraisdid, NOW that’s a true fact google it, just well not China! LOL

Exam-time is making me crazy -R

I'm no expert on world-wide education, but I'm imagining many of you are approaching exam-time. It's a stressful time of year, because you're about to be categorized into 'success' or 'failure,' even though we can all tell that the failures are the ones still appearing at night clubs around the city even with only 2 weeks till exams starts (says the girl who hasn't been able to walk this week after refusing to stop dancing on Saturday night FML).
I realized that my complete inability to give up the partying scene and study for a couple of weeks is kind of justified though. Maybe not justified exactly. But exams are making me crazy. I can't stop thinking about math. I guess I got a bit retarded on the weekend because I legit starting thinking I was a number, and I thought that every time I pumped my fist in the air I was growing into a bigger number. And I distinctly recall trying to calculate the equation of the line the bus was taking on the way home and saying to my friends "I can't solve it!" and then when they gave me looks of confusion, "Oh my god I'm thinking about math again guys! HELP ME." So at least I'm thinking about my schoolwork like all the time, right?

I wanted to give you guys some tips on surviving exam time, and hopefully in reading them you'll realise that they're shit tips and think up better ones of your own, but here goes.

• First off, you do have exams coming up, right?
  If so, congratulations on being part of the educated segment of our society (this comment is designed purely to piss off a bunch of tradeys and cabinet makers. Calm down guys we totally love your work.)

• Now, have you made yourself an exam time-table?
  Exam timetables can be great reminders because any time that you wonder what you should be doing today, you just look at it and know that the only answer is 'study'! Forget a social life! Forget sleeping! Forget feeding the cat! YOU MUST STUDY.
  The most successful exam time-tables look something like this:
  
  And hopefully nothing like this:
     

• Think positively.Exams can bring on bouts of depression in even the brightest sparks. It's important to keep your cool and most importantly, keep a smile on your dial! I've compiled a list of positive thoughts for your benefit, in case the pre-exam-grumpy's have already hit you and you can't think up any of your own. If all else fails just try adding the word "yay" to the end of any sentence and speak with blinding enthusiasm.
• "If I pass my exams really well, I can go get super drunk to celebrate. Yay!"
• "If I don't pass my exams well, at least I know that all the smart kids will be off getting drunk in celebration, so by the time they've killed half their brain cells I'll be as smart as them anyway. Yay!"
• "If I fail my exams, I can throw education aside and start plotting world domination with my army of giraffes. Yay!"
• "I will never have to sit in math class and wonder why the fuck anybody would buy that many bananas, and why they wouldn't calculate the cost by putting them on the scales like a regular person. Yay!"
• "I will never have to wear pants again!!!! YAAYYYY!!!!

Alright unfortunately the last one was wishful thinking. But it's still positive thinking nonetheless, let's not forget that.

• Give yourself breaks.
  No point trying to cram allllllllllll that information into that tiiiinnnyyyyyy little brain of yours (don't be offended, own it.) You need breaks. I like to give myself about a one hour break for every ten minutes of study but it's up to you to figure out what works best.

• Find a way to gain sympathy from everybody around you
  I know this because I've been studying human behavior for the last couple of weeks and I have noticed the vast number of people acting like assholes and then blaming it on "exam stress." So this is apparently a perfectly legitimate excuse and I'll admit I've adopted it myself. You could spin it a few different ways. Here are some examples.
  Example One: Stand outside a pet store wailing loudly until somebody asks you what's wrong. Explain to them that somebody ran over your puppy that morning and you're sooooooo stressed about losing your best friend right before exams. With any luck, you could score a new puppy! YAY!
  Example Two: Enter a liquor store and demand that they aid you in stealing every drop of alcohol in the store. If you get caught by the police, avoid the court case by pleading insanity due to exam stress! YAY! 

• Get yourself a jingle.
  Did you guys learn about jingles? Those catchy songs that you hear for the first time and think, "Man that is TOO LAME," and fifteen minutes later you have a crazed look in your eye as you frantically dial that 1800- number and scream into the telephone "I NEED THE NIMBUS 2000 VACCUM CLEANER AND I NEED IT NOW!!!" Nope alright maybe that one's just me, but still you probably know how catchy those tunes can get. You can make this work for you. Please listen to the following video recording and make this your brain's theme song for the rest of the year. Wooo!
  
  (If the link doesn't work, click here)
• Last but not least, just breath.
  You've already proven that you're an intelligent individual by reading this blog post! Also, with all of these brilliant tips, you're bound to ace your exams! Good luck babes!
  (P.S that was a test, I spelled breathe wrong. You're all doomed.)

-Love R xoxo

To my future Son/Daughter - L

To my future Son/Daughter

Alright, so I hope to GOD you're not going to be a baby/toddler reading this unless of course I'm super rich and bought you some sweet ass Leap Frog shit and you're so smart right now, or unless I marry/get inpregnated by a genius the chances of you being super smart at say five years old are zilch, Sorry about that!
Actually, what if your like a prodogy or something? Oh, okay let's clear this up if you can play Bethoven on our grand piano at 5 stop reading, or if you're like a normal kid and take your dick out at the kitchen table, please by all means keep reading haha No... I'm kidding you cant read!!!
This would just be a bunch of black squiggles if you're the one who gets naked at dinner! But either way if you're my son/daughter and you can play Betoven at 5, FUCK YOU! It took me 12 years to learn how to tie my own fucking shoes and I didn't realize my two times tables went up by twos until pre-teens.

Ok, Ok let me re-do this!
This letter is about how you were made, so at least can you have pubes before you read this?

1ST AMENDMENT: YOU WILL RECEIVE AND READ THIS LETTER WHEN YOU SPROUT PUBES

My Future Son/Daughter,

Congratulations on your pubes!
I'd say I hate you by now and I'm really not impressed at what you will/have done to my vagina walls. They say it's repairable and bounces right back but everyone knows it's never the same! So, Thanks for that.
Put it this way I'll have the body of Victoria's Secret model and the vagina of my University room mate. (lol) Hi Emily :)

Enough of that. The reason I am writing this letter is in case I die or I am not very "connected" with you, I find it a lot easier to write. I  swear to God if I've divorced your father I'm gonna' be so pissed or if you like your dad more than me, I'm gonna' go all Shutter Island mum on you and drown you all at our luxurious lake house, (lolsies again, good movie yeah? 10/10 that bits fucked though couldn't sleep for awhile there!)

I'm pretty damn sure I'm the best Mum ever so I guess I don't have to worry about your dad being a better parent than me!
I'm gonna' let you do like litereally all the shit you want, HAHAHHAHAA I'm so fucking kidding I'm gonna' seriously fuck you over, you're going to be that kid that goes "Mum said I can't come over". BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE. MINE ALL MINE. I made  YOU from MY Ovaries!
So go back to your chains connected to your room! Why are you out of the chains? Did I let you out so you can read this letter? Cute :)
I'm going to still be breast feeding you until you're Twelve girl or boy!
(Game of Thrones Reference, ew!)
I will also have a leash for you so we never have to be apart. 
(NOOOOO PEOPLE C'MON YOUR BABY ISN'T A DOG, unless your kid is blind or autistic if I see him/her on a leash, I'll kill you! LIKE HELLO JUST BEAT THEM!!! Not that hard people.)


Ok, the birds and the bees- I really don't know the specifics so google/yahoo that shit to learn more if you have to. Do y'all still have google in the future? Guess I'll find out on my own lol. I bet future google is craaaazy rad. But, you were in my tummy and I stopped smoking cigs and that was hard for me and I even stopped drinking which was even harder, so by now you've fucked my life but you formed in me for 9 months and in that time I grew to like you, I guess... (refer to google for details of this growth).

By now you were born (also ruined me). Anyway, the fact you have pubes right now means you're almost a teenager! So here is the real talk homie, DONT bang a woman/man unless you love them okay?!
The point is this: don't have sexual intercourse AT ALL until you are SURELY in love with your partner.  You're prob all like "but Mum why can't we just use protecton?!"
BECAUSE IT SUCKS THAT'S WHY. CONDOMS WERE INVENTED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF, RETARD. YOU CAN'T FEEL A DAMN THING. Don't talk like that in my house/caravan (whatever).
Sorry for calling you a retard.

If you are a girl - I'm sorry but soon you will get this thing were you bleed once a month from your ham wallet (menstruation, google that shit), it's honestly fucked up in some countries women have to move away from their village when they get it for a whole week :(
Your dad just locks me in the basement though, so hopefully soon you can join me yay!

If you are a boy- Unfortunetly I won't be seeing you in the basement once a month:( but you get to get paid higher than women! Isn't that awesome!
You're going to get a lot of feelings and emotions towards women or men please be men, please be men... which will make you want to touch them... DON'T.
JUST DON'T! Can you just not have any form of sex until like 21?! or like 18 I don't want people thinking you're a loser... so yeah 18... This does not stand for if I have a girl you'll still be in chains because no man will ever touch you unless he sells me 5 decent sized cows for the usage of your bodess. (lol)

I will perform weekly computer history checks and no one from the opposite sex can enter our house until the ages of now (pube sprouting) until mmm... until you get married! 
I've also attached softporn sites on the back of the letter, AND I BETTER SEE SOME CRUSTY SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY, YA FEEL ME? (To the boy).
No in all honesty, I look forward to our warm embraces, your first words, first teeth, first bike ride and your dad rustling your blonde/brown/black/red* hair at the breakfast table (*in case of red hair, this letter would have been delivered by your foster parents).

You're almost an adult now. You need to start making your own decisions so don't fuck this up !
(congrats again on the pubes sweetie pie).


Love always, Mummy.

Things I've learned from TV -R

Over the years spent sitting in front of the plastic box I've accumulated a number of observations about the tv/film world. Good things and bad things, you know? I think I like the real world but that said, if I could live in a tv world with Leslie Knope as my mother and George Clooney as my father then I think that would be a great thing too.

Things I've learned from TV:

• It's normal to crash your dad's car at least several times during your life and regardless of how expensive it is he will have it replaced within a week (and occasionally you will crash the replacement car too)
• You can be like thirty years old and STILL go to high school.
• You should really just marry everybody you meet on the off chance it works out, because chances are you'll have 34 divorces in your lifetime anyway
• If you have sex you WILL get pregnant and die.
• If you're pretty then you probably dont need to worry about being shot or run over or killed in any freak accident because nobody wants to see a pretty girl die, so basically you're invincible.
• If you're not pretty then watch the fuck out.
• It doesn't matter whether you're funny or not, because somewhere, somehow, somebody is laughing, and if they aren't then the directors will throw a laugh track in the background anyway.

• Any time you feel like singing/dancing it's like you suddenly share a brain with everybody around you. Seriously all your words and moves and probably your periods just sync up and its just like operating dual puppets or something. I could never be on TV for this reason because I would spend far too much time time breaking out random dance moves just to test people.
• You can't just ask someone why they're white!
• If a bomb has 10 seconds left before it defuses, don't sweat coz they will drag that out to at least 2 minutes.
• DONT GO UP TO THE ATTIC IF THERE'S A MURDERER IN THE HOUSE YOU DUMB BITCH.
• Humans are truly kindhearted. I am totally assured that if I dropped a notebook on a busy Melbourne street and loose pieces of paper went flying everywhere, a handsome stranger would immediately rush to my aid and then he would love me and we would go get coffee and then married probably.
• I definitely don't advise going to the hospital if you're deathly ill because that place is just FULL of scandal and doctors having sex with nurses in the broom cupboards like every five seconds right.
• Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.
• There is nothing remotely dangerous about punching/ falling through a glass window. You probably won't even cry and you will NEVER get glass in you (unless there's a hot chick to tend to the wound).

• I've realised it's important to do your makeup before you go to bed because apparently everybody wakes up with flawless skin and artistically ruffled hair and not like a bedraggled savage :(
• Any time there is any great impending danger your best bet is to just leave it and go watch some TV because the world never blows up okay.
• It's perfectly acceptable to hang up on someone midway through a phone call. Once you've gotten the information you need, don't say goodbye or anything, just hang up. It's way cooler and nobody ever seems to get mad about it.
• If a man and a woman hate each other they WILL eventually fall madly and passionately in love. This opens so many doors to so many creepers.
• Glenn Coco is popular as FUCK