The Time I Met a Famous Footballer ... -R

I'm not sure if I'm really proud or somewhat disgusted by my actions last night but everybody seems to be encouraging me to be proud (at least to my face, fuq da haterz) so I think that's the way I'm leaning.

I have a problem. Not a problem really more like a curse, maybe a disease. This disturbing affliction causes me to do things for attention, for a story "to tell the grandkids" although in most cases probably not. Once, I tried to pick up a midget at a club, I'm not sure how that would have worked, like whether I would have had to kneel on my knees? But I was fully like "I'm gonna fucking do it!" and all of my friends held me back to stop me (fuck you all, midgets are people too I'm not judgemental of someones height!).

Anyway I suppose I will recount mine and L's night last night because I seem to have no shame. Warning: you make think much less of me as a person after reading....

We were out at the clubs/pubs, doing our thing, pretty wasted I guess, and L spots this fellow that people are lining up to get pictures with and starts going crazy. I guess I'm a bit of a socially ignorant retard because I don't know who these sorts of people are. L is disgusted with me for not knowing David Beckham until recently. Hmm.

So anyway this guy is a famous Australian footballer apparently. L couldn't remember his name so we googled "(team name) Punch Guy" and top on the list is his name and also a sweet video of him king hitting another player in the face. What a catch.

We did the photo thing and plastered that over facebook and instagram and felt pretty cool. Then we went off and did our thing some more and I'd like to plead my apologies to the people I was rude to whilst trying to prevent L from hooking up with bad/ugly people. She DID pick up one of my best friends and apparently I started punching him and screaming "FUCK YOU that's MY girlfriend!!!!!!" ...As you do.

The end of the night draws near and L starts flirting madly with this footballer guy. I was kind of like 'meh' and stood back and contemplated whether a strategical spew was in order.

Him and his friend asked us where we staying that night, and we were like "We have soccer here tomorrow, we're sleeping in our car!" :) Which is true. we actually had filled the back seat with blankets, omg where do I inherit all of this class?? They were like "No." and we were like "No it's going to be an adventure! We're going to have fun!" :)))) But they were like "NO you're not sleeping in a car" and they took us back to their hotel which was definitely nice of them. The entire way there his assistant person kept going up to L and pulling her dress up to her belly button and I guess she was pretty drunk and therefore okay with it because for half of the walk home she just had her underwear on display to everyone.

At this point I'd like to make a reference to my dear friends who actually booked the last room in that hotel to stay in that night, and got called up at the last minute and told that there had been a mistake with the booking and they would be unable to stay there. SUCKED IN GUYS you totally got dissed because a famous footballer wanted your room.

I don't even like football. Really, the entire world is playing soccer and Australia is all the way down here doing their own thing and it's pretty gay really. Soccer is truly a much better sport. I spent about 5 minutes telling this to a famous AFL player. I'm surprised I didn't get king hit in the face myself to be honest .... hmmm.

We were also doing our English accents thing again (REALLY need to stop doing that, it's so fucking hard to maintain an accent when you're drunk.) Somehow the accent kind of faded and then L told everybody that I was Swedish so I guess I played along with that. Then we apparently decided that L could also speak Swedish so we were talking to each other, I was speaking in Swedish and she was speaking in French. Neither of us could understand a word the other was saying, and every time the boys left we'd start whispering in English and be like "dude I don't know what you're trying to tell me I don't fucking speak French!" When they asked us what language we were speaking we were all like "oh it's French Swedish" which they didn't even question?!?!?!?!? I guess football is about physical acheivement not mental.
Got to the hotel and I should definitely put in a word of thanks for the place to sleep and not for anything else because L and I slept on the fold out couch like good, innocent little girls. To all of the people saying either of us had sex with him: NO. Just no, please stop. He has a wife! (which did come as a rude surprise, we weren't aware of that till we got home and got abused for it. I guess being a famous footballer and all he doesnt feel the need to share his details with us mere mortals.) No we definitely both just passed straight out so please stop saying otherwise because I have come to the conclusion that the thought of it makes me want to power spew.
Soooo when we woke up they were gone. But they had left all of their stuff in the room, like seriously phones and wallets and bags and whatnot, I think they actually had a football match or something. I decided to play dressups with their clothes and take selfies which was a lot of fun I think. I probably also stole a shirt because the dress I'd worn the night before was a tits-on-display kind of outfit. We stole some cans of coke from the minibar in the room and went on our way!

Finding our way OUT of the hotel was a bit of a task but we negotiated that and went to find sustenence (aka McDonalds) and our car. On the walk we were talking about how fucking hungover we were and a man on a bicycle actually rode past and turned and laughed at us really loudly as he rode by. Rude :(

No biggie. We proceeded with our day like any other, played soccer after about 0.0347 hours sleep and with a blood alcohol concentration of about 934508734573.00

I'm aware that we're not going to get all of the love and congratulations we're expecting for this because he isn't really a looker and he's also past his time and very old and not as impressive as you might expect. On the other hand, he has probably made more money in his lifetime that half of the world put together, also I literally JUST saw him on tv. Also he has a car collection, and I have a shoe collection so I definitely feel that we have 'collections' in common and I can respect that if nothing else.

In conclusion, if you're this famous footballer in question and you're reading this I am truly sorry for stealing your shirt and writing about our time together. If you're my mother, fml hi mum. Or if you're reading this and going "this girl is a fucking psycho, seriously what a wanker" well, you're probably right. But don't say it out loud because my new boyf might just hit you in the face.

-R