I would make a shit girlfriend -R

I'm probably not going to lie, I'm not a relationship person, I'm a single gal and deep down I love it. So many people preach about loving their boyfriends, but here's the thing, I think I love myself just too much to share. I would be a downright shit girlfriend. Here are some reasons why:

• Fear of commitment: There have been times in my life where I've thought "you know what, maybe it's time to settle down." I have followed through with this notion 3 times, resulting in 3 different relationships, average length: 3 days. When this fun fact comes up in conversation I get strange looks :( Hmm. Whatever, this is how things work in the mystical world of my head:
  
  • If you don't like me or give me ANY attention, I will probably run circles trying to please you
  • If you DO give me attention I'll be like "actually naaahhhhhhhh." 
  • If you don't give me ENOUGH attention I will lose interest and walk away.
  See how each of these scenarios ends in me being single?
• Arguments: I may not always be right but I'm NEVER wrong. And I feel as though this is something that bugs people. I also have a tendency to back up everything I say with facts from wikipedia, which I can conveniently bring up on my iphone at a moment's notice, and I get the impression that this is considered an "annoying trait" in most social circles. I also feel as though I would be the type of person to use "no sex for you until you admit I'm right!" as a form of punishment...
• Sleep time is sleep time! I don't mean to be like Rose from Titanic (there was room for another person on that door you Bitch!), but I don't appreciate anybody intruding on my space. I'm not somebody who would voluntarily let another person wrap themselves around you while you are trying to sleep. I could probably stretch a balloon over my head and feel less suffocated. This is another one of those things where people are like "you freak" and think I only think that because I haven't liked anybody enough, but I've got nothing against cuddling. Maybe I even LIKE cuddling? I just like sleeping more, you know? I think that's understandable.
• I'm a slut? That is a JOKE and anybody who tries to call me a slut can do it to my face and I will produce lists and prove you wrong, and then rant about freedom and poke fun at you for probably being a virgin. Wahhhh I wish I was a slut because at least then I would be getting some :(
• DOMESTIC FAILUREQ: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplough?A: Give the bitch a shovel!  Thanks VERY MUCH, society, for the way in which you have depicted the "ideal woman." I can’t cook, I can’t vaccuum and I have absolutely no idea what cleaning product to use on the bathtub. In fact I have an inkling that my Home Economics teacher in year seven gave me a good grade out of pity and, possibly, relief at the fact that I wasn't on her class list for the next year.Q: What does the woman who just got out of an abusive relationship do?A: The dishes if she know's what's good for her!
• Emotionally Unavailable: Here is the thing, L and I are good friends, but it probably borders on a lesbian relationship. I have my own drawer for my things at her place, my own toothbrush, and both of our parents think we're gay. We always finish each others sentences and then say "OMG, get on my back!!!" which means in translation, "we should basically be the same person."She even buttons up my leotard tops for me when I get too drunk and any female will understand the inappropriate location of those buttons.I probably feel that if I was involved with anybody else that that person would feel incredibly intimidated. I feel as though I'd have to add "L will share a house with us" into my wedding prenups. That seems like a quality arrangement.

So if you think your gf/bf is a bitch, read this and rest assured that you've snagged a comparatively wonderful person!
If you're feeling unlovable, know that there are worse people out there!
Or if you hear what I'm sayin' and suffer from similar personality traits, HiGH FIVE GF ;)

-R <3