"Best friends"-L

Best friends.

I have had so many "best friends" over the years, people who I've talked about and said "oh my best friend and I..." and people are always like how many best friends do you have? But, its so easy to lose them in a Blink of an eye.
It's funny one of my ex besties told me I lose all my friends because "I'm a bitch." Which is 100% right I am a bitch and condescending one at that! Thats my fault in friendships, I admit that!
Another best friend (B here's you're mention), always tells me "to get new friends". Because most of mine are terrible, which is also right!
I've lost one of my best friends when she started dating a guy...one minute she was over at my house we basically lived together, we even god damn showered together! NEK MINNUT - we haven't talked for six months.
I've lost another because I told him a story about how I ALMOST got lured into a car by a 'rapist' where police escorted me home, to me texting him telling him this story and he didn't reply and I sent him a text saying "oh my god why do I tell you anything" to his response was "you can't just fucking crack it when I don't reply" not even a OH FUCK ARE YOU OKAY? I sound rediculously up myself here but he's my best friend he should of called me right away after he was busy or at least are ARE YOU OKAY? But no... Friendship over ! It's as simple as that.
Or how about my other best friend my old room mate, we were totally inseparable I loved her to pieces! Now if I see her now, she legit ignores me and hates me for some unknown reason. (hi Brooke if you're reading these IM me about why you hate me man?)
Not sure what happened there! or how about my best friend who had sex with my ex? Classic. Or one of my best friend from high school who says... NO she MAINTAINS we are best friends but I legit see old high school teachers more than her. (Hello, Latonya I love you more than ÿøû love me).
You all could take a leaflet out of these girls books, one moved to Perth  like 7 years ago and we are still best friends (Steph Pruks your mention, finally) Or another who is in the Army and WE are still best friends Or how about one who had a baby, works AND still has time to see me or a girl I made to stay up until 4am until I finished writing this so she could, proof read it (Beth, whattup besty!). Or my room mate now, we had lived together for a year and we still love each other so you can't use the example that maybe i spend to much time with these people, I literally followed this girl around for an entire year and she totally still loves me (except when I forget to pick up the bath mat and she gets sad), I even have friends who are my best friends from primary school, (brooke and georgia) now that shit CRAY! People always say you lose you're friends from high school but when I get with some of them now it's like we had never left.(Maddie Patterson, what's up girl?)

Friendship is hard fucking work. It takes two to tango and just because you say someone is your best friend doesn't mean that you are in fact theirs.
It's so very easy to lose a best friend, but it happens and you find other friends so quick you forget about the ones you've left behind, the ones you take a piece from and move on, it's life and it happens to everyone in the entire world.
A best friend is someone who sticks by you until the day you die; that's what a best friend is.
I have had one for almost 21 years now and that's my sister, no matter how many epileptic seizures (Almost dying in front of me) or how you  dribbled on my barbie car whilst seizing (wasn't happy jan), Or knocks me "unconscious" from throwing a basketball at my face (I was faking so that you would get into trouble hahahaha!!!!)
Or even calling me a bitch when I flash lights in her face trying to make her have a seizure (before you judge me here, know that she hasn't had a seizure for ages when I tried to do this ahaha) or even when she almost drowned me in our bath tub playing 'Cinderalla'. Ugh, just don't even ask how that happened... Or the amount of times you told mum I was sneaking out to meet guys/girls at St. Joeys Primary School...
She will always be there to drag me naked out of the shower when there's a snake in the bath tub, (True story she's legit a hero).
Friends are family you choose for yourself and no matter how many friends I have in life I know I'll always have one I'd choose over any other friend in the world... And that's you, my sister, my beautiful tropical fish, my best friend... Joanna.

Hi :) I'm a crazy girl, nice to meet you now I'll ruin your life-L

No one ever sets out to date a crazy girl, in the same way that no one ever sets out to become a member of a cult. No one’s like, “HEY MAYBE I’LL JOIN AN INSANE CULT TODAY!"
No, you just gradually get sucked in — step by step, day by day, hour by hour — until eventually, you’re just as crazy as she is.
The difference is that in my opinion, most women are not crazy at all – it’s just that most guys simply don’t understand female behavior in general and therefore classify them as ‘crazy’ but I AM a crazy girl.
I laugh at those obsessed girlfriend meme because I agree with all of them - for example I stole your shirt and wear it and cry and I'm not washing it because it smells like you crazy. I can literally becoming obsessed with anything from star wars, learning sign language, Lord of things rings to that pussy Peeta from the Hunger Games. My biggest obsession is with people I date, I mean I'm pretty sure ive been dumped 7 times out of 8 and the only time I wasn't the dumpee on the last one is because SHE out crazied me.
I thought I would just write some crazy things I've done and I asked all my friends and they all agreed in unison that following a guy home was the most crazy thing i have ever done.
In my defense he did just get punched in the face by another crazy girl and was upset so I was trying to be cute in a 5km fast passed walking kind of way.
Or how about this old chestnut I literally screen shot photos of my exs new girlfriends and ask EVERYONE, my mum, my dad, my nana, my teachers my friends, my dog... if In fact i am hotter than her?
Oh how about this one time I told my partner to come to my college at uni late at night, but I had a friend in my room and didnt know how to politely ask them to leave, now these are small rooms so I didn't have any other choice but to take my partner into my bathroom and lock the door. Yep, locked it and cornered him. Cute, Ya know?When I think of it I think my partner liked that a bit either way that's just crazy.

It's not just girls though, I was out the other night and was talking to this friend of mine and I was 100% sure we were going to make out he actually looked like one of my exes and I always had a crush on him and when he said he always fancied me oh boy ! You couldn't wipe the smile of my face! I was like I'm going to have a new boyfriend !!! Yep- just from that conversation I got were going to date. Crazy. Anyway, we got talking and he started talking about his ex and I was like oh that's cool... But no... no... Then he showed me the cuts on his wrists and said "I really loved her".
I mean I'm crazy and I pull out that crazy shit all the time and when I get dumped I do just want to crawl in a hole and die, BUT WHY DID HE TELL MEEEEE THAT! I was his future girlfriend it's safe to say I told him to stop that and went on my merry crazy way.

I'm this crazy that someone compared me to that Neil Patrick Harris ratio to the hotter you are the crazier you are and they said I was super crazy, but all I heard was that I was super hot. Boy, did I take that a mile.


It's tragic I think the word is out about me being cray and I have a lot of crazy girl friends we kind of hang out in one crazy ball of psycho always trying to out do each other craziness kind of egging each other on, its unhealthy... But WERE CRAZY...and now the only people who tune me are 16-17 year olds. I will date one of them soon. So keep an ear out, I'll ruin their lives with a smile on my face. Crazy.

The perks of being immature as fuck -R

You know you're irresponsible when your parents organise for somebody else to feed the pets while they're on holiday, even after you told them you'd be home all week :(

I'm not thoroughly dependable. Since I was five years old and started school, regardless of whether I was scoring A+'s or failing classes, one factor remained constant; the teacher's comments about my distinct lack of organisation. For the entirety of my final year of high school I think I made it to homeroom like seven times.

Last year, some friends and I took a trip to a music festival in Tasmania over new years. There was a big group of us so I sat back and let everybody else do all of the organising, and ended up with two duties. Here's what I was supposed to do: a) book my flight to Tasmania, and b) book a bus ticket to the festival.
This is what I did instead: a) booked my flight on the wrong day, and b) did not book a bus ticket and then realised they were sold out.
A couple of the others decided to book their flights early too so that worked out nice and dandy. The bus was more of an issue given that the festival was around 2 hours from where we were staying (believe me, I considered walking.) But in the end I finally got in contact with my mother's gay-brother's ex-partner's cousin's nephew, who hooked me up with a ride, and although they spent a large portion of the drive talking about drugs while I sat there like a scared innocent little nymph, they were actually really cool people!

I'm not advocating getting into cars with strangers, all I'm saying is, without a little immaturity, you mightn't be exposed to new situations.

EG. the time that I challenged my friend's dad and two brothers to an eating competition at Pizza Hut. Admittedly, if I'd eaten my food like a lady I wouldn't have walked away with the worst stomach ache of my life, but nor would I have left with the satisfaction of beating three grown men to claim the (possibly self-proclaimed) title of "Food Queen."

Furthermore, if you're prone to being immature, you get a lot more respect for the times when you do act good. For years when my parents had guests over I would immediately disappear into my bedroom, sneaking slyly past the guests to get food at meal times with averted eyes, avoiding any form of communication with the strangers that had entered my territory.
Nowadays not much has changed! But I can spend five minutes chatting pleasantly with the visitors as I fill a plate with all of the food on display, then wipe my hands clean of responsibility and disappear for the rest of the night and parents are proud as punch!

But overall, I am the way I am because, at least for me, it's WAY MORE FUN. At one point I was renowned for being the too-drunk-girl, and while I apologise to anybody whose night has ever been ruined by me (and believe me, if I ruined your night there's a fair chance I ruined my own), without these experiences I wouldn't have stories to tell!
Like the time I woke up in my friends Uni apartment with a seriously injured toe, with vague memories of aquiring it while trying to break into her uni kitchen to make a toastie. Then when, later in the day, I went to get something out of my purse and literally found an entire meat pie sitting in there, with no recollection as to how that came to be.
Or after my birthday weekend, when I woke up to my friends making jokes about bicycles, thought they were all completely crazy until they showed me a video of myself running up Swanston St screaming "I'M A BICYCLE!! I'M A BICYCLE!!" and demanding to be allowed to run in the bicycle lane.

Even while I pity this woman somewhat, I also hold a large
 degree of respect for her for being such a badass.

For me, the stories are what make me who I am. I find nothing more hilariously entertaining and likeable in a person than the crazy stories that they have to share with me.



I've experienced a lot in my life. I have a lot of opinions, and I'm constantly thinking about the "hows" and particularly the "whys" of life and questioning my own ideals. If you want an in-depth conversation about morals and values then I'm your girl. I'm not dumb. I'm not unintelligent. I'm not intellectually less than any other person. I'm not even completely sure that I consider myself entirely immature. But if that's what I am then hell, I'll own it. That's the way I live my life, and the sole reason that you're able to read this blog! Love it or hate it, the point is that I'm having fun, and I hope that however you're living, you're having it too! xoxo -R

When relatives get irrational -L

When my dad gets irrational.

It was a summers eve, after a glorious day of swimming in the aids infested lake of Benalla with friends, sunburn sinking in my red, raw skin.
My sister, my father and me sat down for a amazing meal of steak, chips and... salad.
I ate all my steak, chips and salad and after my delicious meal I go for more salad from the full salad bowl in the centre of the table. Smashing down the salad I end up finishing the whole entire bowl.
Everyone had left the table, when my dad comes back in, in an extreme rage looking at the empty salad bowl, his eyes glistening with horror. "you've eaten ALL THE SALAD?" he yelled. "I was hungry" I said, gleaming with fear.
"WHAT'S YOU'RE MOTHER GOING TO EAT?" he rawed. "I'll make some more" I sniffed filled up with fear from my dads rage. "ALL THE SALAD? NO!" he retaliated "You will sit here and practice this line... IM SORRY IM A PIG AND I'VE EATEN ALL THE SALAD!" I practiced this line a few times giggling when my sister walked in, but he was serious, dead serious. It must of been hard times in my house hold and lettuce an cheese must of been hard to come by as I was to practice "I'm sorry I'm a pig and I've eaten all the salad" until my mum was to arrive home, filled up with tears not only was my sunburn raw but my eyes were also for the new realization of in fact that had eaten all the salad and that I was a pig. FINALLY after repeating the line maybe 65 times, my mum walked in and my dad yelled "WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO YOUR MOTHER!!!" hysterically crying, I coughed out "I'm... Sorry ...I'm a... A pig and... And... I've eaten all the salad!!!" hugging her tightly in extreme apologetics, she looked at me strangely of this most bizarre sentence and simply pushed me away and said "im not hungry i got maccas on the way home" my sister BURST out laughing. I still today will never go for seconds of the salad.

It was another glorious evening, my mother was at work... My dad my sister and I sit at the table, again.
I set the table over the white table cloth and we sit down again for another horrific meal of steak chips and salad... THIS TIME there was a purple cranberry juice stain on the pure white table cloth. "what is this?" my dad pointed at the purple stain, asking my sister and I. Me and my sister both in aggreance of not knowing where the purple stain came from. He asked again "WHERE DID THIS STAIN COME FROM?" we both looked confused. "we dont KNOW!" said my sister. "what so a stain MAGICALLY APPEARED OUT OF THIN AIR DID IT?" we remained still in confusion.... "IT JUST DROPPED FROM THE SKY ALL BY ITSELF, DID IT???"
Me being the smartass I am cocked up and said "maybe klancee did it?" klancee is our dog. This filled my dad with even MORE rage if that was possible! "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he yelled as he ran into the kitchen bringing back the purple cranberry juice "KLANCEE DID THIS DID SHE?" he yelled he popped of the lid to the cranberry juice THROWING it around the room, hitting everything insight drenching my sister and I in this purple liquid of hell. The table cloth not only now had a purple stain, but so did we, the curtains, the food on the table AND the table cloth was now no longer even white. My sister and I just sat there I could tell we were both about to cry but we held it in until he left, when he did we cried from possibly being like what the actual fuck just happened? We sat there for a few minutes maybe twenty, soaked in cranberry juice. Dad walked back in, we stared blankly at him as he said, "I may have spilt the cranberry juice".

THAT'S ASSAULT BROTHER - L

Warning; this is not a funny post.

Australia has an extremely high rate of violence against women, I have been actually hit a few times by males... It used to not bother me as much being a feminist activist and all, but there is seriously something wrong with society on the grounds of violence. Most woman, are physically weaker than men and no way should they EVER be touched in such a manner to cause harm or for someone to deliberately try to cause harm to them especially by a male... It's not okay it's an ancient patriarchal trait that should be abolished from this lifetime. 
One day, I was at this party by the river, I was young and my memory is a bit shady but I remember my friend arguing with a boy and he was telling her he would "throw her in the fire".
 I don't know what came over me when I heard this, but I just attacked him like some crazy psycho that I am. I hit him in the face. He grabbed me by the throat and I just remember being dragged along the ground/fire, I wasn't crying and I wasn't screaming but I just specifically remember people egging this behavior on, he had this stupid smile like he was actually doing it to look tough and enjoying it, my friends soon realized what the hell was happening- all female mind you and jumped to my rescue. 
I just cried and cried to my mum at home hugging her, I was a tough kid but it was more the embarassement we just hugged for ages when I told her what had happened and was so upset, she wasn't that angry as I was  trying to protect a friend, I think she cried with me for a bit when I pulled all the hair that had been pulled out of my head  from my pockets to show her I had bruised for weeks under my eyes and scratch marks all over my back ... and guess what I did a year later, I DATED THAT GUY... WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? LIKE WE FULL ON DATED. WHY WOULD I DO THAT?  (Ugh, lets not even... just... shut up).

I  used to have a family friend that used to hit me when I did things wrong  you know the old back hand and what not and me and my best friend used to joke about all the things he would do to us at school and cry in front of everyone, everyone thought we were actually insane we'd be laughing telling everyone and then we would just cry about it together.
 You know not the full on black eye type shit but it was still the same and it still hurt. I used to hide in our bathroom a  lot and text my boyfriend when I was sad or scared and one time he even saw that guy hit me I remember him telling me that my friend had to hold him back so he didn't attack him. I was at a party last night where that ex boyfriend was, and someone told me to go lie with him and well you really don't have to tell me twice to do things like that so I did, I was just being all cute and hugging him (mind you he hates me), and me being me I just kept doing it anyway and he told me to get away from him but he always does that but this time it was different, someone had an audience. I probs spin this in a much hurtful way then it happened but that's how it happened from my viewpoint. He's friend told me to go upstairs and I was like "Whaaaat, why?" and he just snapped, I swear to fucking Christ he was going to hit me he picked me up and literally threw me outside.  I just started crying and I tried to find my way home but apparently I was 20kms away from where I live Caaaaaaaan youuuuuu saaaaaaay FUCK MY LIFE?  


 My friends beautiful room mate came outside and sheep herded me back inside where I screamed for a good 10 minutes that "I just wanted to go home!" Next morning no one said anything to me, apparently this type of behavior is excusable in this country, again I called my beautiful Mum and she coached me to stop crying and to go back inside and to wait for our lovely friend on the street to come and get us because it was so awkward and sad inside I couldn't stop thinking maybe it wasn't that bad maybe I was exaggerating  but put it this way imagine someone picking up your mum and throwing her outside, that is NOT fucking okay! (if in case you love your mum just at much as I love mine). I text the guy who threw me outside 'remember how you almost punched me/physically abused me' and he replied in retort '...remember that time you exaggerated and lied once again... wen i said please leave me alone about one hundred times and you didn't' No apology I was just called a liar, I think it was the pack mentality thing he had an audience why not succumb to it, I will not ever tolerate being physically abused and can't believe someone who has seen/heard about me being hurt by abuse would succumb to the same, I guess I deserved it HE DID tell me to leave him alone a hundred times, right?
You know from so many different types of abuse I have copped off these pigs, it's all the same exaggerated or not it is disgusting pigful behavior and I will never understand it's roots, why can't people use their words not their fists like educated civilized people. In regards to whether I deserved the behavior I can inform you violence/abuse/bullying is never the answer I have learnt this the hardest way possible, no one in the world should be punished by someone else hands they have a right to their own dignity at all times. 

May we not succumb to thoughts of violence and revenge today, but rather to thoughts of mercy and compassion. We are to love our enemies that they might be returned to their right minds.

 

Issues with Walt -L

I have this thing where I knit pick movies even magical ones like Harry Potter, he could of used that time machine necklace Hermoine had in Prisner of Azkaban, to go back in time and save all his friends in the end of the books/movies that died and if he fucked it up, HELLO YOU HAVE A TIME MACHINE NECKLACE HARRY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FUCK UP, YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN! How about Lord of the Rings why the shit couldn't  Frodo and Sam ride that giant moth/eagle to Mordor in the first place?!

I know, I know it's about the journey and what not but C'mon...

SO, Disney movies... were my childhood. I'm not talking about that Beverely Hills Chihuhuas 1, 2 and 3! I got down with the classics. Looking for the bare necessities in the Jungle Book. Letting Bambi show me the terrible loss of aloved one and you're god damn right I'll be a various house hold appliance inBeauty and the Beast. But times change. People grow older. The days of begging my mummy to let me watch Snow White before bed have turned into me jerkin' it snorting a Xanax watchin' the Saw movies before bed. The point is my all innocence has gone. My childhood clearly is over. (please note: I have never actually taken Xanax I try my hardest not to live my life like Amy Winehouse).

So, before I master unprotected sexual intercourse with aconsenting male and before I am ready to suffer the consequences of my sinful behaviour and his poor reaction time, well in other words before I have achild, I can only sit back quietly at home by myself and watch and judge and critique these Disney Movies.

First off, fuck your own face Ariel. You got to live in an amazing underwater kingdom and for fucksake your dad is king! and you had likea billion fish slaves.  YOU HAVE A GIANT SEAHORSE CHARIOT!!!  But that is totally not good enough for your skinny mermaid ass, is it? You want to leave all your lusciou ssea creature friends and family to live in a habitat where you literally cannot fucking survive with your god damn fish tail. Oh you want to be part of ourworld? I'll trade you like 1,000 times over. I'll be babin' it in a bikini all day and night  in your marine wonderland riding on dolphins breathing from my gills, while you study at a dead end University, where I'll end up working at McDonalds flicking pickles of windows!  But in your infinite wisdom you say hell yeah and fuck off to land with your shitty legs and beautiful cartoon red hair... seriously first off for you to come to OUR land with YOUR red hair,you're a god damn witch and where the fucks your working visa?

Poor god damn prince Eric didn't sign up for any of this bullshit. After finding you on the beach like the handsome Home and Away reminding character, he took you straight home with intentions of stuffing all of your brand new holes. I get it. You're beautiful, only 16, don't have avoice what's more perfect than a mute woman? AM I RIGHT GENTLEMEN?

 Anyway clearly Ursularuined that by making a wedding with that Prince of yours but you still gate crash the wedding with your filthy bird army and break the spell before Ursula turns into a 90 foot tall octopus and destroys everything. Including the ship the wedding was on BITCH?! The ship Eric's whole family was on! Eric's whole family is dead now. You murdered Eric's family with your selfish curiosity.They were just alive yesterday! BUT NOWWW THEY ARE DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU.

What about Pocahontas and all her bullshit gibberish she's Indian yet she speaks perfectly in tongues in English now doesn’t she;

"Say have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue cornmoon?" if I were John Smith I would have been all like "DUDE! I literally just got here like 2 days ago. You literally saw my ship come in. So no. No I haven't?"  Or 

"asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?"

 Me again; "you know that I haven't done any of this shit, please stop."

"Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?"

 Me: "Fuck, I doubt it, I don't even know what that means?"

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me:  LOOK, just shut the fuck up.

Pocahontas: Can you paint with all the colours of the wind?

 Me: Hey eat this it's called a ruffie, you'll love it.

What about Mulan? Do you remember that one? The sexy Chinese cartoon girl, who goes to battle instead of her dad because of conscription and falls in love with her commander, dude that movie has so many queer undertones...I literally thought she was a boy half the time and did you actually know in China warriors would actually have sex with their protégées anyway?* DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WOULD OF FOUND OUT QUITE QUICKLY ABOUT THE FACT SHE DID NOT HAVE A DICK.

I hate the fact in these movies the main characters could talk to animals and cups and shit, do you even realize how many times I would talk to my pets and cups when I was little and the utter devastation of when they didn’t talk back to me, would literally shatter my heart to pieces. Disney is all like"yay everyone is special if you have a dream" well yeah you know what? Fuck you Disney from your unbelievably un realistic expectations!
IF I were kidnapped today and I was as baben' as Belle was portrayed, FUUUCK NO would the beast have been a seriously cool top bloke... that is rape my friends and she would have been a victim of it! So here's the deal Disney write a classic that isn't a "fairy tale"... What about  the princess is left at the alter? That her prince charming is gay as a rainbow? or how about the princess leaves her prince to perhaps better her career? OR just maybe because we all know I am going to die alone, make a Disney princess who in fact doesn't get a prince to kiss her to wake her from her enduced slumber from the evil witch, but she dies. Simple as that. She's dead, no cats no filthy birds she DIES ALONE.

-L

*This fact is highly incorrect, but literally Japanese Samuraisdid, NOW that’s a true fact google it, just well not China! LOL

Exam-time is making me crazy -R

I'm no expert on world-wide education, but I'm imagining many of you are approaching exam-time. It's a stressful time of year, because you're about to be categorized into 'success' or 'failure,' even though we can all tell that the failures are the ones still appearing at night clubs around the city even with only 2 weeks till exams starts (says the girl who hasn't been able to walk this week after refusing to stop dancing on Saturday night FML).
I realized that my complete inability to give up the partying scene and study for a couple of weeks is kind of justified though. Maybe not justified exactly. But exams are making me crazy. I can't stop thinking about math. I guess I got a bit retarded on the weekend because I legit starting thinking I was a number, and I thought that every time I pumped my fist in the air I was growing into a bigger number. And I distinctly recall trying to calculate the equation of the line the bus was taking on the way home and saying to my friends "I can't solve it!" and then when they gave me looks of confusion, "Oh my god I'm thinking about math again guys! HELP ME." So at least I'm thinking about my schoolwork like all the time, right?

I wanted to give you guys some tips on surviving exam time, and hopefully in reading them you'll realise that they're shit tips and think up better ones of your own, but here goes.

• First off, you do have exams coming up, right?
  If so, congratulations on being part of the educated segment of our society (this comment is designed purely to piss off a bunch of tradeys and cabinet makers. Calm down guys we totally love your work.)

• Now, have you made yourself an exam time-table?
  Exam timetables can be great reminders because any time that you wonder what you should be doing today, you just look at it and know that the only answer is 'study'! Forget a social life! Forget sleeping! Forget feeding the cat! YOU MUST STUDY.
  The most successful exam time-tables look something like this:
  
  And hopefully nothing like this:
     

• Think positively.Exams can bring on bouts of depression in even the brightest sparks. It's important to keep your cool and most importantly, keep a smile on your dial! I've compiled a list of positive thoughts for your benefit, in case the pre-exam-grumpy's have already hit you and you can't think up any of your own. If all else fails just try adding the word "yay" to the end of any sentence and speak with blinding enthusiasm.
• "If I pass my exams really well, I can go get super drunk to celebrate. Yay!"
• "If I don't pass my exams well, at least I know that all the smart kids will be off getting drunk in celebration, so by the time they've killed half their brain cells I'll be as smart as them anyway. Yay!"
• "If I fail my exams, I can throw education aside and start plotting world domination with my army of giraffes. Yay!"
• "I will never have to sit in math class and wonder why the fuck anybody would buy that many bananas, and why they wouldn't calculate the cost by putting them on the scales like a regular person. Yay!"
• "I will never have to wear pants again!!!! YAAYYYY!!!!

Alright unfortunately the last one was wishful thinking. But it's still positive thinking nonetheless, let's not forget that.

• Give yourself breaks.
  No point trying to cram allllllllllll that information into that tiiiinnnyyyyyy little brain of yours (don't be offended, own it.) You need breaks. I like to give myself about a one hour break for every ten minutes of study but it's up to you to figure out what works best.

• Find a way to gain sympathy from everybody around you
  I know this because I've been studying human behavior for the last couple of weeks and I have noticed the vast number of people acting like assholes and then blaming it on "exam stress." So this is apparently a perfectly legitimate excuse and I'll admit I've adopted it myself. You could spin it a few different ways. Here are some examples.
  Example One: Stand outside a pet store wailing loudly until somebody asks you what's wrong. Explain to them that somebody ran over your puppy that morning and you're sooooooo stressed about losing your best friend right before exams. With any luck, you could score a new puppy! YAY!
  Example Two: Enter a liquor store and demand that they aid you in stealing every drop of alcohol in the store. If you get caught by the police, avoid the court case by pleading insanity due to exam stress! YAY! 

• Get yourself a jingle.
  Did you guys learn about jingles? Those catchy songs that you hear for the first time and think, "Man that is TOO LAME," and fifteen minutes later you have a crazed look in your eye as you frantically dial that 1800- number and scream into the telephone "I NEED THE NIMBUS 2000 VACCUM CLEANER AND I NEED IT NOW!!!" Nope alright maybe that one's just me, but still you probably know how catchy those tunes can get. You can make this work for you. Please listen to the following video recording and make this your brain's theme song for the rest of the year. Wooo!
  
  (If the link doesn't work, click here)
• Last but not least, just breath.
  You've already proven that you're an intelligent individual by reading this blog post! Also, with all of these brilliant tips, you're bound to ace your exams! Good luck babes!
  (P.S that was a test, I spelled breathe wrong. You're all doomed.)

-Love R xoxo