Dating Disaster #1
Background info: Alright so you might have read in The Time I Met a Famous Footballer that I speak Swedish. This is because I lived in Sweden for a year when I was younger. Now, I know you’re getting confused at about this point because I’m talking about dating DISASTERS and swedish boys are not disasters they are glorious creations of this earth, but I’m going to suggest that I’m a fairly unfortunate person and I managed to meet some exceptions :(
So anyway, I met this guy at a bar and he was gorgeous and like overly self confident which was just really attractive on him. So when he asked me if I wanted to meet up some time, of course I said yes (saying no to swedish boys isn’t something I advise). He knew that I wasn’t swedish so we just talked in English the whole time. I was pretty much fluent but english was obviously still easier so I wasn’t gonna complain.
So we met up at a bar with some friends, and when he saw me he walked right up and kissed me which was cute right. Sooo alright we decide to head out to a nightclub and on the train he was talking to the girls across from us and I may have been a bit sloshed so I tuned out for a bit.
I tuned back in at around about the time he was saying to them “so anyway what are you girls doing tonight? You should come back to my place!”
Here’s the thing, he had this conversation in Swedish right, and I think that he legitimately thought that I didn’t speak the language and didn’t understand what he was saying. I was sitting on his lap on the train at this point and I believe we were holding hands because I distinctly recall thinking that at the rate my blood was boiling he must have been able to feel it but apparently that’s not how it goes.
When I got home I did a bit of “research” as I like to refer to it or “stalking” as other people might call it, and it turns out that the guy was some sort of dating coach. I have an inkling that his “friends” were possibly clients and I imagine I was some sort of ‘example’ of how to swoon an unsuspecting foreign female (and then swoon some other girl simultaneously). This was a huge FML moment for me I’ll admit.
Dating Disaster #2
I’m gonna go with another Swede. I think my goal here is to discredit Swedish males so that girls around the world think, “these guys are awful” which eventuates into more swedish boys for me! No but alright here’s another horrid one.
I was my friend’s wingman for the night, and she decided to go to a little gathering hosted by the guy she was seeing. Like a dutiful wingman I tagged along, and mingled with the other guests when her and her guy pal disappeared. They were gone a bit longer than anticipated and everyone kind of left bar one guy who sat and talked with me for ages, and eventually he kissed me. I was perfectly okay with this, and I’d like to reiterate that saying no to Swedish boys is a bad life choice which I had no intention on making. That is, until not saying no meant sustaining injuries.
Like, okay, we were just kissing and he actually pulled my hair so hard that I heard strands of it ripping out of my skull. And then started biting on my neck so hard that my eyes teared up. Vampirism is NOT attractive to me okay?!
At this point I jumped up and sprinted to the other room and informed my friend that my wingman duties were OVER for the night and that she needed to take me home right away. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SWEDEN, you really fucked me over good. I think this guy should be hunted down and possibly poisoned for betraying such a perfect race and leaving such a horrible impression. I’ll admit, the experience truly scarred me. I was terrified to be touched for soooo long afterwards and sometimes I wonder if I didn’t turn asexual for a time as a result of my trauma.
Many months later, I was at a nightclub, and somehow, through sheer awful misfortune, this guy happened to be at the same nightclub. I think he recognised me vaguely but didn’t really know who I was because he came up and grabbed my hand and tried to talk to me, and I actually screamed and ran out.
Dating Disaster #3
Once, the guy I was chatting up invited me to come for a drive to Bunnings with him.
If that’s his version of a date then I really should have been a little bit wiser in seeing where THAT particular relationship was headed and ran away faster than Usain Bolt, but unfortunately that was not the case.
The same guy:
- Had fish lips and probably an intelligence to match.
- Once in bed, admitted to fucking my best friend’s ex while I was away on a holiday
- Asked me to come and hang out as friends after we’d stopped seeing each other.
- About 5 minutes after I got there he kissed me.
- The next day he told all of his friends that I had “randomly rocked up” at his house and made out like I was the crazy one. FFS
- When I said I was sick of it and I didn’t want to see him anymore he sent me this:
"If I end this then you get hurt again and that's not what I want.
HMMMMMMMM. I’m not completely sure but I BELIEVE that I just said that I WAS THE ONE who wanted to end things with YOU or IS YOUR SKULL FUCKING EMPTY???!!! - Ended one of our text-arguments with the words “Fine then. Seacrest out.” That really was a deal breaker.
I know that he likes to make out like I'm the crazy one, but I'd like to point out that he STILL feels the need to drunk-text me like five months after we stopped talking. I wasn't sure whether to put this on but everybody has said to hahaha and I'm drunk while writing this so I guess I'll do it: This is him drunk-texting me last night :/
I actually can’t believe I wasted my time on this one. Really thought I had more sense than that. Clearly I hadn’t seen this picture:
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| If I had then I may have realised he was a ZERO out of three :/ |
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| Drool |
Dating Disaster #4
There was this one guy who I used to watch How I Met Your Mother with like every time we hung out. At the time I definitely thought that our relationship was compatible because I LOVE cherry-ripe pods, and he liked mars bar pods, but there was leverage for us to swap occasionally which really worked for me.
I think I realised there was something wrong the day I met his parents. Their faces were actually worse than sympathy cards. Why? You might ask. Alright alright, it was because of his ex. You see, her and I share ... DUN DUN DUN (a taste in men? and STD? ew NO! Oh the suspense!) We share a name. That’s right, she has the same NAME as me. Well fuck.You might pass that off as coincidence (and I’ll admit I tried to), but I guess that when, a few weeks later, he started seeing his ex again, that wasn’t something I could viably convince myself of anymore.
This guy was probably the nicest boy I’ve ever pursued, which is a tad heartbreaking as it mainly proves that even nice guys fuck ME over. On the other hand, it’s probably a little bit sweet and definitely very ironic, that when him and his GF reproduce, I’ll be a real life version of their very own “How I Met Your Mother,”
(I can see it now: “kids, once I rebounded on some fool with the same name as your mum, LOL the joke’s on her!”)
Always look on the bright side my pretties! <3 For me, this means a true appreciation for single life. For you it might mean turning gay, or maybe just knowing that you're one failed loser closer to finding your true love. When you feel like cupid is screwing you over in life, just keep a smile on your dial and plot revenge.
Love, -R.
