To My Future Husband -R

The other day a friend of mine was telling me how weird I am for my complete lack of motivation to hunt out a boyfriend. I beg to disagree, and not just because I am a firm supporter of cat-ladies everywhere, but mostly because I just don't see the need to chain myself to some poor boy's ankle like some girls tend to do. Not just that though, it's also because I REALLY don't want to throw myself at the first somewhat reasonable male that I see, and then discover that he's (god forbid) a morning person, or he insists on being in the driver's seat, or he wants seventeen children or something equally distressing. There's a lot of fish in the sea, you know? I guess my plan is to catch as many as I can, give them a kiss and throw them back, until I find one that turns into a prince.
But even a prince might snore really loudly, so I've compiled a list of necessary qualities for my future husband to posess. I'd like to point out that I imagine Channing Tatum ticks practically every box, so once I lure him to a wedding ceremony we can forget about all of this, but it's unwise not to have a back up plan, so this is a checklist for every other fish in the sea.


My future husband must:

• Be making enough money to support the both of us.
  
I ain’t no gold digger. I’ll have my own job and the plan is that I will be worth a small fortune myself. But my hubby’s paycheck will probably go towards a house and food etc etc, whereas my own money will be spent on further expanding my shoe collection.
• Share my love for nachos
  
I’m not going to exaggerate, but nachos are my favourite thing in life. If he’s kinky then I would NOT be against covering him in salsa and cheese and guacamole because I can see the merits of this, it would be sooooo much better than the boring old ‘chocolate sauce’ game that everybody plays. Seriously though.
• NOT share my love for cherryripe pods

  Nachos is a “sharing is caring” kind of food, but cherry ripe pods are not. I could eat like ten packets of these babies. I’m not a monster, he can have maybe 3-4 pods out of each packet, but NO MORE. While I’m lingering on the food topic, it would also be great if he liked things coloured orange because I hate that shit. Orange jellybeans, orange starburst, any orange lolly really. These always pose a huge dilemma for me when I’m eating any packet of lollies because I HATE the colour orange omg.

• Have buff arms

  This is the biggest must of anything I can think of. If you don’t have arm muscles then who the fuck are you?! This is exactly the reason that my imaginary relationship with Orlando Bloom has so many holes in it. Things would never work out between us. You need huge arm muscles for many activities. Opening the lids of really tough jars? How you gonna accomplish that if your arms look like twigs? Carry me around? I’m not saying “carry me up the stairs to the bedroom,” I’m saying, “I’m lazy as fuck and it would be great if you carried me to every destination I ever want to go to. Oh we need groceries? Hmm I don’t feel like driving 10km to the store, would you mind carrying me there? I wanna go to the gym. Can you run on the treadmill on my behalf while holding me in your arms so that I can feel like I’m accomplishing something? THANKS BABE <3"

• Make me feel good about myself.

  I’ll make you feel good about yourself I promise. Especially on the aforementioned arms thing because I literally have zero upper body strength and I cannot do a single pushup. Like seriously one of my friends tried to train me to do a pushup so he took me to the swimming pool and got me lifting those foam weights that old ladies use, and I couldn’t do it. I promise to make you feel tough and masculine when you look at my scrawny pathetic weakness, as long as, in return, you tell me I’m a wonderful driver, and always notice when my hair is really silky, and maybe OCCASIONALLY loosen the lids of jars in secret so that I can open them myself and feel super strong as well. I think I’m spitting in the face of feminism right now and making myself look hopeless and pitiable but then I think that maybe I just am hopeless and pitiable so that’s alright.
• Never criticize my eating habits

  When I chew with my mouth open you will SMILE and think “oh she’s so cute!” and that is FINAL.
• Do cute romantic shit

  This isn’t actually something I’m overly fussed about, but I definitely feel that one of the biggest advantages of not being single would be rubbing it in the faces of other people. Soooo I dunno, you don’t have to actually DO heaps of cute romantic shit in reality, I guess we could just sit together and think up some fake romantic shit for me to TELL other girls that you did and I imagine that would also suit me just fine.
• Accept that I’m the more hilarious one.

  Look if you’re really funny then I guess this point is void. But let’s face it, the chances of that are RATHER slim.
• Know when to walk on eggshells.
  
I’m warning you that if I truly think you’re wonderful I will without a doubt act like some crazy obsessed octopus and wrap my tentacles around your throat in love. But this is a ONE WAY STREET and I swear that if turn that shit on me out I’ll get a restraining order on you (unless you’re Channing Tatum, in which case GO FOR YOUR LIFE!). But seriously, I do all of this stuff in jest and I think I’m hilarious but I’m Joking which is the point; I’m allowed to act like a creep because I’m being funny and it gives me stuff to blog about if I get desperate. But YOU need to know when to walk away, when to let me win a fight, when to play hard to get, when to play easy to get, when to compliment me extra, when to buy me gifts ETC ETC ETC. Basically if you’re a mind reader that would be great?

LAST QUALIFICATION: I’ve shown this picture before but it’s something I’m very passionate about

So far in my life I’ve met a fair few two-out-of-threes, quite a score of one-out-of-threes and TOO MANY zero-out-of-threes (because I seem to have the luck of somebody who’s broken about a billion mirrors in their lifetime.) Three-out-of-threes are few and far between and I have met very few (and if watching them on the screen doesn’t count as ‘meeting,‘ then I’ve met ever fewer. Sob). My future husband WILL be a three-out-of-three.
So if you feel that you fit the criteria please express your interest in the comments section below, and attach a resume too please, and tell me where you’re gonna take me for our first date? I'll get back to you if and only if my plans with Channing Tatum fall through.


xoxo -R



My almost-phobias -R

I remember back in myspace days when people used to make a list on their page about their supposed 'phobias' and act like it was a good thing, which is a bit weird really but anyway, I've taken a trip down memory lane on this post. There are definitely things in life that irk me to no end. Sometimes I’m not sure how altogether rational I’m being when I get annoyed/upset/scared, but then I figure there are people out there with like, Koinoniphobia- fear of rooms, and I guess that I can take comfort in the fact that I can still live in a house with walls. Still, sometimes I think I'm just weird, but since most of my fears/annoyances seem to be classified as legitimate phobias, at least I know I'm not alone, nor am I by any means the worst out there.

• Spoiler Alert!
  TELL ME THE ENDING TO ANY BOOK OR MOVIE AND I WILL COME AT YOU IN THE NIGHT AND REENACT A SCENE FROM SAW.
  I don’t know why this bugs me so much. Seriously like don’t even TALK to me about a book/movie. Obviously if you tell me what happens in the end I’ll probably slice the tips of your fingers off, but I get SERIOUSLY annoyed about even the most cryptic of comments. Like, you can’t say to me “Oh the ending is awesome, it’s the biggest twist ever.” Well THANKS A FUCKING LOT for letting me know that whatever I expect to happen is NOT going to happen and depriving me the opportunity for pleasant surprise you HEARTLESS BEAST.
  If I had a real phobia: Epistemophobia -fear of knowledge 

• Foot non-fetish
  One of my friends once hot me drunk and convinced me to let him give me a foot massage and I feel uncomfortable even recalling that and ugh just. I don’t even want to keep writing.
  This is one of the main reasons why when girls are all like “Omg I can’t wait for summer!” I stay quiet and think about how in a perfect world all humans would wear socks at all times.
  If I had a real phobia: Podophobia - Fear of feet.

• Other People’s Driving
  Since the day I got my licence I will admit that the primary reason for me to be driven around by someone else is a) my parents pick me up because I’m drunk or b) my friends are driving me somewhere because I’m drunk.
  Something about other people driving makes me really nervous. One night we went out for dinner and I had some wine so my dad drove me home. It was the first time since I got my licence that anybody else had driven me. I literally started talking nonstop to try to mask the fact that I was hyperventilating. WTF.
  I’m also the worst passenger seat driver you will ever meet. A couple of weeks ago I got hit in the head at soccer and my mum had to drive me to the hospital. Most of the drive is pretty unclear to me but I distinctly recall sitting bolt upright in my chair and saying “You’re driving weird. Why are you driving weird? You didn’t indicate for long enough there.” and then flopping back down in my seat and passing out.
  If I had a real phobia: hodophobia - Fear of travel.

• Seafood
  I’m going to really stab myself in the foot here and come clean about a lie that I’ve been telling since I was about 11 years old: I’m not allergic to seafood.
  I think that it all started with prawns. I don’t even like the look of them but they fucking have FACES you carnivorous monsters! Their eyes may be blacker than the darkest pits of hell but how can you tear their heads off and suck their guts out?! Vampires! No thankyou sir, not for me.
  If I had a real phobia: Ostraconophobia -Fear of seafood.
    
• Love me! No wait, love me not! 
  I'm currently uncertain as to whether this could be a legitimate disease or not. You may have gotten wind of my fear of commitment from my other posts but perhaps you don't realise that I haven't had a legitimate relationship for my whole life. Just a couple of days ago, my ex walked into the place where I work, and I actually hid from him. That's how pathetic I am. It's worthwhile to point out that this is my CURRENT ex... from five YEARS ago. Just when you start thinking I'm a joke I tell you it was a 48 hour relationship. Just when you start to think that's as bad as it's gonna get I tell you that's the second longest relationship of my life. I HAVE A PROBLEM! :( Sincere apologies go to the people I have unintentionally lead on. You're all lovely people, but I always start off with rose coloured glasses and end up wondering at which point I should begin purchasing cats to start my collection.
  If I had a real phobia: Philophobia- Fear of falling in love or being in love
   
• I'd rather stay in the pool...
  I have a love hate relationship with the beach. Love; mainly because everybody ELSE loves the beach so much that I get tricked into thinking I love it too. Hate; hmm mainly well, EVERYTHING after 16 seconds of arrival at the beach.
  I hate that the general concept of a bikini is "hang your boobs from your neck" because you seriously don't understand how uncomfortable that can get. Also there are always approximately six hundred and fifty four girls that look better than me in a bathing suit and make me feel disgusting, and approximately seventeen billion other people that should never have put a bathing suit on in their life. I hate things in the water, seriously jellyfish are ASSHOLES I swear they blob around in their weird creepy way (which is Totally unnatural btw) and then as a collective group just swarm around ME on purpose. I hate looking stoned for like seven hours afterwards from salt in my eyes. I hate getting sand in places where sand SHOULD NOT GO. I also hate being pushed around in general, and that is EXACTLY what those goddamn waves DO. Also there are feet EVERYWHERE and that's disgusting.
  If I had a real phobia: This one doesn't even have a name. I'm alone in my fear of the beach :(

Ten million dollars says everybody who knows me will now start walking around barefoot in front of me or trying to sneak prawns into my fried rice (the biggest fault of chinese food ever, I'd like to point out). That's the type of friends I have. But it feels much better to have vented, and at least now that I've confronted these things I can rest assured that I definitely don't have phobophobia -fear of fear. That would be a tricky one I feel.